Pushing Myself for Poppies

I pushed myself a bit the other day. 

But first, some background. 

I’ve come to hate driving long distances. By long distances, I mean anything over about an hour’s distance from my house. This comes from a couple of places;

1. A very difficult road trip with my family when I was younger, and
2. Years of a long commute.

My family took many road trips. We also moved a lot and not across town but across the country. We drove each time. So, I spent many hours confined in the back seat of a car behind two parents who smoked. But, one trip stands out in particular.

In January 1974, we were moving from the San Francisco Bay Area to Denver, Colorado and one leg of this trip had us spending the night in Wendover, Utah. My stepfather had decided the road from Salt Lake City to Denver was a bit too risky with the impending snowstorm, so the plan was to head north into Wyoming then across it and eventually we would head south into Denver. One extra day was worth our lives. Good thinking.

We hit the road early and stopped for breakfast/lunch in Salt Lake where I had a couple cups of coffee. Shortly after heading back out, it started to snow and my bladder began to signal me it needed relief. I conveyed this to my stepfather who said there was no place to stop, especially alongside the freeway up in the mountains during a light snowfall. I focused on the trees, the flakes, a book I was reading, on anything but the discomfort I was feeling. Hours later and a lot more discomfort, there was still no place alongside the freeway in the desolate plains of Wyoming to stop during a snowstorm. Eventually we stopped around 8:00 PM for gas and dinner either in Laramie or Cheyenne, Wyoming, I forget which due to the passages of time. I was out of the car before it stopped moving. I was also the first one in the bathroom and the last one out.

During the last fifteen years of my teaching career, I commuted to work. My commute had grown from 1.5 miles at the beginning of my career to 35 miles one way at the end, with one year in there at about 45 miles, also one way.

So, I'm not fond of driving long distances. It triggers some anxiety. 

Two other things that trigger my anxiety; crowds of people and being away from my home. I’m not fearful of the crowds, they just drain me. And home is where I recharge, my sanctuary. So, even running errands can be so incredibly draining due to dealing with people that sometimes I need a nap when I return; but I do take care of what I need to in spite of it all.

With all this in mind, I recently drove a bit of a distance, and more importantly, I chose to.

We had so much rain in Southern California this past rainy season there was a superbloom of wildflowers. As I missed the last one, I wanted to see them this time. And not on the news. But up close and personal. Plus, I could play with my camera.

So, I drove the fifty miles to the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve, in Lancaster, California. I had also made arrangements to meet a friend who lives in the area after he got off work. So, I'd be up there a while.

I geared myself up for the drive and chose to go on a weekday to avoid any possible crowds; one of the benefits of being retired. I also left later in the morning to avoid rush hour traffic, even though I was going against the traffic flow. But, by going later, I'd be losing the good morning light; oh, the sacrifices we sometimes make. As I was going on my own, I would be on my own schedule, not waiting for anyone else to get their perfect shot, so I kind of figured I would be finished with my photography relatively soon, and I wasn't sure what there was to do up there after finishing getting my photos. So, I wanted to minimize the downtime while waiting for my friend to leave work. 

All in all, the drive wasn’t terrible except for the coffee I had in the morning. Will I ever learn?

The poppies were beautiful as was the weather. They tend to close in the wind, but the gentle breeze that day met with their approval. They remained open. Perhaps thats a lesson for me-remain open.

We need to push ourselves once in a while in order to grow.

Even if it makes us uncomfortable. 

After all, stagnation leads nowhere...

And what is it they say? Everything we want is on the other side of fear...

For more information on the AV Poppy Reserve, 
click here.

Strange Memories

Sometimes we recall the strangest things.

And to what end?

I awoke the other day to a memory of a few years ago. Okay, a great many years ago. I was five years old.

I had learned to spell the word ‘candy’ and ran to tell my mother.

“Mom, I can spell ‘candy’,” I cried. “C-N-D-Y!” I shouted.

“Very good, honey!” Mom said. I was elated, I had spelled my first word! Oh, I was jumping for joy! I ran around the apartment spelling it over and over, “C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!”

I couldn’t wait to get to school and tell my teacher. I was in kindergarten at the time.

“I can spell ‘candy’,” I said. 

“Oh?” she asked.

“C-N-D-Y!” I said, my chest filled with pride, my face beaming.

“You forgot the ‘A’,” she replied and returned to her task at hand.

My chest deflated, I was crushed. 

Words hurt. 

As a teacher, I know words hurt and I always tried to find encouraging ways to support my students in their learning and eventual mistakes, making sure to reward their effort as well as delicately guiding them to figure out their own error.

Yet, I also ask myself why did my subconscious bring this particular memory forward at this time? Perhaps for some unknown reason in the future. A future reminder, if that is possible. A reminder to mind my words in conversations? Perhaps, and always good advice.

On or around the same time, I recalled a student from a while back and a particular event involving her. 

She did not stand out in either direction, meaning she wasn't a discipline problem or a gifted student. In fact, I had not remembered her from that particular class even though I had taught many of them, including her, two years in a row in fourth and fifth grades and loved every minute with them. But, she was one of the nondescript ones.

The event involving her was the annual fifth grade physical fitness exam. Normally we would use our own school yard for the one mile run/walk but as it was under construction, we had to use the neighboring high school's track. Permission slips in hand, we trekked up to the high school. 

She was a large girl, both tall and a bit on the heavy side. She was very quiet, hardly saying anything in class and when she did, I had to strain to hear. 

We began the run in two groups making it easier for me to keep track of the times they crossed the finish line. She was in the second group. And the very last to finish as she chose to walk all the way. We encouraged her to run, but she continued to walk and not very briskly.

Why this memory came forth one particular morning, I may never know. But, the most intriguing connection was that, while doing some deep cleaning, I found some old CDs with pictures on them from her class. That. Same. Day. 

An odd coincidence or another one of my synchronicities? Personally, I lean to the latter as I believe I am connecting with my own higher self/consciousness which is connected to the higher consciousness of all. And these synchronicities are just a reminder to me that I am connecting.

I don't know. But it sounds good.

Besides, it resonates with me, and that's all that matters.

The Hanged Man of March

Deck: Radiant Rider Waite Smith

When I did my New Year reading for 2019, I felt the whole spread seemed to divide itself into quarters as the cards appeared to group themselves that way. Two of the first three cards all seemed to suggest a letting go or becoming unstuck with the first card setting the tone of the quarter. 

With March having ended, it's time to review not only March but the quarter as well.

The Hanged Man suggests a surrender, a letting go, a crossroads of some kind. Even though he is hanging, albeit upside-down with all the blood slowly entering his brain, his face shows peace; and in many decks, a halo glows around his head. He has surrendered his life willingly for the greater good, a cause he believes in. While the image can be perceived as a bit unnerving, it is eventually for a greater good. No pain, no gain.

I have been letting go of a lot this month; a lot of pain, so a lot of gain, though sometimes I have to remind myself of the potential gain as it’s too easy not to accept the positive and slide back into the abyss. Sometimes we are more comfortable in the pain as we don’t know how to live or exist without it. We’ve been comfortable far too long with it as we've simply learned to manage it. What lies ahead in the light? After all, light can be blinding to the eyes so accustomed to the darkness.

I am trying to let go of having to know the answers right now. Why is all this change happening to me? What does it all mean? Why me? Do I deserve it? What lies ahead? 

I feel those are the eternal questions of life. Change is the only constant in our lives and sometimes the change is so drastic it does become a bit frightening. Okay, very frightening. But, always for our greater good. In the end, sometime.

I’ve also been letting go of what no longer serves me. In any sense. 

I’ve merged my internet, television and landline (yes, I still have one) into one account for a cheaper amount and better service. (It’s still a bit new, so the jury is still deciding on how good the service [and savings] will be.) I've let go of other accounts that no longer hold my interest, or I seem to take some time to get to. I'm streamlining my budget.

Almost anything I haven’t used or even seen in over six months is currently sitting in a box while I investigate how well similar items are selling on eBay. As of now, nothing similar has sold. I might just find a charity shop and make a nice donation for the tax advantages next year. I'm downsizing my material goods. 

So, letting go doesn’t always refer to emotions though some of the items I’m letting go have had some emotional connection, but even that has worn off. So, it’s time.

Now, it’s on to April and the second quarter of the year which is going to be interesting, as two of the cards have to do with the material and physical side of life with the third dealing with matters of the heart; while, simultaneously, two of them could address the completion or near-completion of a cycle and the third could be an aspect of someone around me or of me personally.

I can't wait to see how it goes...

Ten of Pentacles, King of Pentacles and Nine of Cups
Deck: The New Palladini

The Swords of February

New Palladini Tarot

When I did my reading for the New Year, I drew the Eight of Swords Reversed for February. Now that it's March, it's time to check in, albeit it a bit late.

When we look at the Eight of Swords upright, we see a figure wearing a blindfold with her arms bound to her sides. She is almost completely surrounded by eight swords. The blindfold obviously suggests she can't see and the bindings on her arms suggest restrictions and a lack of balance as we need our arms as a counterbalance when we walk. The swords around her suggest she is trying to move forward, yet blinded and somewhat out of balance. A tricky path indeed. How will she see what's in front of her? How will she catch herself should she stumble? Is it any wonder why so many readers see this card as a message of being stuck or restricted?

Swords is the suit of the mind; thoughts, truth, communication, and ideas are all associated with this suit. Therefore, this figure is stuck by her own thinking, ideas or perceptions. 

A reversed card in a reading could suggest the opposite of the card's basic meaning. Therefore, this card reversed could suggest a letting go of the restrictions, a freeing of the self, if you will. Or more simply put, getting unstuck. 

Radiant Rider-Waite-Smith
Tarot

As I contemplated the card at the beginning of the month and where I was then, I had a feeling the ideas, or thoughts, that were restricting me had to do with my spiritual growth and self-acceptance.

I may be mistaken. Or, maybe I just underestimated what the card may have suggested.

I have been feeling high anxiety of late. I've tried to focus on what is triggering me and what I can do to overcome it. I think I'm beginning to remove the blindfold.

I reconnected with someone very dear to me and I do believe we have a destiny together. We just hit our six month mark since reconnecting after a two and a half year separation. We have grown tremendously, both during the separation and since reconnecting. We have also grown individually and together.

And that is where some of the anxiety is coming from. This is becoming real. I've lived alone for almost nine years since the divorce with the exception of the disastrous short term roommate experiment. Should he and I take this relationship to that level, (I'm already overthinking, I admit it. It's those damn swords.) I'd have to make a few adjustments. But, I'm getting ahead of myself, way ahead of myself. Overthinking is part of my Aquarian/Libra nature. Or is it my charm? I forget. At least I now know what I need to work on to continue getting myself un-stuck. But, overcoming overthinking is not an easy task. 

But, I have also noticed I've let go of a lot. I have a deep seated fear of abandonment from my childhood and the constant moving we did. I'm learning to let go of that fear as we continue on our journey. I've also let go of expectations; of him, of me and of the relationship in general. After all, expectations are nothing but a planned disappointment.

While I first thought I knew the card referred to letting go of the restrictions or judgements I felt around accepting my spiritual gifts, which is still an underlying factor, now I feel this card seems to have also referenced some emotional baggage I've been carrying. I do feel some anxiety over getting closer with this man, which is only natural in any case. Since I've now identified where some of the anxiety is coming from, I can start removing the bindings to move forward more freely, even if I take baby steps. And since anxiety begins in the mind, the swords are very apropos here. All eight of them.

Does this mean I misinterpreted the card? Not really. I did have one idea of what the card was telling me, albeit superficially. I was already aware that I was unsure of this new spiritual direction and where it might take me and perhaps not trusting it, or myself, enough. Often, there are deeper, less superficial triggers to our anxieties, or any situation, and the Tarot can simply bring them to the surface for us to see. And therefore heal.

Or perhaps the message of the card was simply about my increasing awareness that my own thoughts, insecurities and deeper fears, whatever they may be-superficial or subterranean, are what holds me back; the more I become aware of them, the more I can remove the blindfold and bindings. And take baby steps forward. Which is still progress.

On to March and the Hanged Man. 

January's Judgments

Facing judgments
and a release

I tried something earlier this year. On January 1, I sat down with one of my tarot decks and did a reading for my upcoming year.

So, I'm checking in to see how I'm doing, both personally and with accuracy.

The card for January was Judgement.

This indicated I would be facing some judgements. This could mean that I was being judged, judging others or perhaps even judging myself.

The last part, judging myself, resonated very strongly with me, especially in context of the cards that followed; the Eight of Swords Reversed (letting go of restrictions) and the Hanged Man (surrendering to the what is), plus where I saw myself at that time.

Further experiences I’ve had over this last month seem to fit in the January Judgements predictions. Among them:

• Elements of a short story I began in 2017 seem to be happening now, which could simply be coincidental due to the real-life situation that inspired the story.
• I felt drawn to a new tarot deck which may be connecting me to a new Spirit Guide.
• The number synchronicities I’ve been seeing have shifted into yet a third pattern.

It is what it is

Individually, these would be just interesting events in my life. But, all of these happenings collectively became my own Ten of Wands, a huge bundle becoming almost too heavy to bear.

As I interpreted all of these as spiritual gifts, I began judging myself. Was I worthy of these gifts/abilities? Why me? And now that I was opening them, wtf was I supposed to do with them? I have come to believe they are all part of my higher consciousness, therefore they are part of me which means I can’t very well return or exchange them, in the same way I can’t return an arm or a leg. Can I?

A heavy burden

Let’s imagine that convo, shall we?

Me: Um, hello. I’d like to exchange these gifts.
God/Universe/HigherSelf: Really? Why? Don't you like them?
Me: It's not that; I’m just not comfortable with them.
G/U/HS: What? They don’t fit?
Me: Well, they don’t fit the image I have of me.
G/U/HS: They fit the image I have of you. And, besides, what would you exchange them for? Telekinesis? The ability to disapparate?
Me: I don’t know. What else do you have?
G/U/HS: You have them for a reason, they are embedded in you. And now that you’ve opened them, the decision on how to use them, or use them at all, is entirely up to you.
Me: I just don’t know what to do. I don’t feel worthy.
G/U/HS: The "knowing what to do" is all in your head. Stop overthinking. Just trust that you are worthy. Begin there. And you’ll know what to do. After all, how did you know you wanted to teach?
Me: It just felt right.
G/U/HS: Bingo. All it takes is Faith and Trust. And to believe in yourself.
Me: I’m working on it.
G/U/HS: I know you are. Growth is painful. So is change.
Me: Very.
G/U/HS: I have faith in you. You need it in yourself.
Me: Is that why You gave them to me?
G/U/HS: You catch on quick.
Me: I have just one more question.
G/U/HS: Just one?
Me: Haha. Can you at least give me time to adjust to what I’ve opened before throwing something new at me?
G/U/HS: You’re the one opening the gifts, not me.
Me: Oh.

So, maybe all of these interesting things happening around me are steps for me to accept myself exactly as I am and release any judgments.

Especially of myself.

Well, it seems the Judgment card for January wasn't far off. Let's see what the 8 of Swords Reversed brings in February.

Feeling less restricted

Should be interesting.

A Lesson in Comfort

For about 6 days last month I was so far out of my comfort zone, I felt I could no longer see it.

Which might be a good thing. 

Okay, it probably is a good thing.

The teachers in my former district had authorized a strike over multiple issues. Is a strike ever called over just a single issue?

I remember going on strike in 1989. I remember those difficult decisions of choosing to go without pay for a greater good. I remember those comments on how selfish we were for striking for higher pay by those who didn’t see beyond what we did in the classroom; the countless hours at home preparing lessons, grading papers, calling parents, buying supplies and attending conferences (on our own dime) during our summers off. Or those who didn’t see what else we were striking for; an end to much of the politics that went on behind the scenes in many schools; favoritism/harassment from the principals, restricted use of school equipment, countless non-productive faculty meetings that went on for hours, etc.

I also remember those difficult moments of needing a restroom while picketing and not having one nearby. While I can’t clearly recall how we handled the situation in 1989, I believe my then-principal turned a blind eye and opened a side door for us to use a restroom in the auditorium which technically meant we were crossing the picket line to enter the building and could therefor be subject to disciplinary actions should we return to the line. I heard rumors from my colleagues the current principal was not so sympathetic.

I live in a small gated community across from an elementary school in the same district. While I wanted to support my former colleagues, I didn’t relish the idea of a thirty-five mile commute at 6:30 a.m. again. So, I chose to walk with the teachers across the street. And offer them my home, more specifically, my bathrooms. Well, two of the bathrooms, anyway.

For an introvert, meeting a bunch of new people can be daunting, if not down right intimidating. For an empath, loud noises and others’ unchecked emotions can be draining. And to invite them into my home, if only for a brief but much needed moment or two, was huge. Therefore, picketing with a bunch of new people all chanting, beating drums and other loud implements was overwhelming. But it was still something I wanted to do. Or felt I needed to do, if only to step out of my comfort zone and yes, help out fellow teachers. For an empathic introvert, my reaction to all this would be a true test in self-care.

Prior to the strike, I contacted their union rep, mentioned my offer and found out their schedule. She was very grateful and explained the union wanted a presence at the school when parents dropped off and then picked up their children which meant morning and afternoon picketing while in between those times, there would be marches and rallies in downtown Los Angeles or at the local district offices.

The first day of the strike arrived in pouring rain. Adding the rain to their morning beverages, I soon had a request for a field trip to my house. The first few trips were small groups of about five to six. We made a couple of trips each morning. Due to the rain, the teachers chose to take off their ponchos and shoes, leaving their wet picket signs outside. Bless them. They came in, two at a time, one would use the powder room in the entry way and the other would go upstairs to the guest bath. A couple of times, once a group was heading to my house, it grew so large that a line formed outside my house! I had to quickly head upstairs and tidy up the third bathroom. That must have been a sight for those in my complex. It must have looked like the lines outside a stadium restroom.

Every day, at the end of the picketing, the union rep made sure to thank everyone who came out and also acknowledged me. The group also shared their gratitude for the use of my restrooms.

When the strike was over, the teachers held a post-strike unity party and invited me to join them.

During the party, the union rep made yet another point of thanking me by handing me two gift bags and two greeting cards in envelopes. One bag contained a plastic container with a roll of bathroom paper to replace the ones they had used. Okay, a cute gag gift. The other bag held a nice bottle of red wine. 

Once home, I opened the envelopes to read the cards. They were inscribed with various expressions of gratitude. And there was a gift card inside.

A very generous gift card which I felt was overly generous for just allowing people the simple use of my bathrooms. And, yes, their generosity for this left me a bit uncomfortable.

I have since come to accept the fact that this was how much it meant to them, not what it meant to me and this was their expression of gratitude. What I felt was a simple, though mildly inconvenient, hospitable act, was perceived quite differently.

We never know the effect our actions will have on others.

It is, after all, a matter of perspective.

Someone New

Several years ago, I met the first two of my now several Spirit Guides. Bear and Ferret first appeared to me in a vision and over the years that followed I’ve met other Spirit Guides-Sparrow, Stag, Swan, Lion and Snake. Bat and Jaguar came along too. Later, Eagle flew into my spiritual zoo, as I refer to them collectively.

Admittedly, I haven’t been working with them as much as I should be, or would like to and lately something tells me someone else is pecking their way into my life. Or they have been there all along and I’ve just not been paying attention. Recently, I’ve noticed many coincidental references, signs, and appearances of this particular potential new Spirit Guide.

It all started when I was searching through the internet and somehow was drawn (led?) to a website for a new tarot deck, the Crow Tarot. This deck won’t be released until mid-winter 2019, but when I saw the deck, I felt compelled to pre-order it. And before I knew it, I had.

I must admit I’ve always been drawn more to ravens than crows. When I was younger and began studying Native Americans in third grade, I was captivated more by the cultures of the US Pacific Northwest, the Canadian Southwest and Southeast Alaska than by the other cultures we studied. I was especially fascinated by their legends featuring Raven as a trickster. Maybe Raven has been hovering around me since then waiting for me to awaken.

Crows and Ravens are distinct species and it’s often difficult to tell them apart at first glance. There’s something about the tail, wing feathers, beak, hackles, calls and size. Oh, and habitat also matters; even though their habitats can overlap, ravens are less likely to be found in populated urban areas, whereas crows can be.

Both species are considered among the most intelligent of the bird family. Both species have been observed using tools to acquire food and they have also been seen taking food from campers' unattended, but closed, backpacks.

Spiritually, they are also very similar. Across cultures, traditionally they have been associated with death, magic, mystery, and transformation. At one point, Crow and Raven were believed to escort souls to the other side and therefore were seen as messengers of death. Today, they are seen as an indicator that one’s life is going through a transformation, a metaphorical death, so to speak. Because of their association with magic and mystery, they also can represent intuition and foresight. Both are keen observers and learn by watching, and therefore remind us to watch, be patient, to learn from our surroundings and adapt. 

One of the key differences between them is that crows are more social than ravens, so a crow Spirit Guide would suggest finding one’s own flock, where a raven Spirit Guide could suggest a more solitary life path.

As I began to sense Raven around me more, I looked back for any connection I might have missed. 

I recognized my long fascination with Raven in mythology, particularly Pacific Northwest coast mythology. Recently, I discovered Odin had two ravens, Hugin and Munin, as his companions and they served as his eyes and ears over other Norse gods and humans. Apollo had a white raven as a companion and when the bird brought news of Apollo’s love interest being unfaithful, he burned the bird’s feathers black in rage. Fickle is the temper of a spurned god. 

In my studies of the tarot, I was drawn to the works of another reader, Raven Mardirosian, who wrote a wonderful book which resonated deeply with me. The Reluctant Tarot Reader, Adventures in the Gypsy Trade tells of her life venturing into the tarot and healing business. I’ve read a couple of her other books, and I now follow her pages on Facebook and Instagram and we comment back and forth once in a while. 

For more information on Raven Mardirosian and her work, please click here.

In the Harry Potter stories, I felt I would have been sorted into Ravenclaw house, whose symbol, ironically isn’t a raven but an eagle. Go figure. But, Eagle is also a very powerful totem or spirit guide, so I won’t complain. I just wish those who market the merchandise would get it right. Fickle is the temperament of a hardcore fan.

Often, I will acquire some charm, token or talisman to help connect with a Spirit Guide. Even though it’s not a requirement, it is often helpful. I started looking for something with a raven on it. I found so many options but nothing reached out and grabbed me, except the soon-to-be-released tarot deck. Very early one morning, when the thoughts of whatever was floating around in my subconscious woke me up, I went to do some writing on my computer. (They say if you can’t sleep, then leave the room for a while, occupy yourself, then go back and try to sleep again. It usually works for me.) All of a sudden I recalled a charm of a raven I had purchased years ago. I returned to my room and found it in one of the drawers where I keep my charms and rings. I guess I’ve been connected to Raven for a while, but just unaware. Maybe it was that tarot deck that spurred me on.

Ravens are not known to live in the LA area, too urban for them, I guess. But, there are crows in my neighborhood. I’ve been wanting one to come and visit my yard. I have seen and heard them on my roof, sometimes banging on the crown of my chimney. Occasionally, I’ll see them on the roof of the neighbor’s house behind me. Finally the other day, as I was working in my office, I saw some branches in my ficus tree rustling like something was in there. I’ve seen sparrows, finches, doves and the occasional jay roosting in there but this was something different. After all, sparrows, finches, doves and the occasional jay can’t make the tree move that much! After a bit, I did see some black wings fluttering about in the tree. A crow had landed there! Unfortunately, it did not stay long. Damn. Birds can be so flighty.

I don’t know where this connection with Raven will take me, but knowing Raven’s reputation for being a trickster, it will definitely prove interesting!

As will learning the new tarot deck!

For information on the Crow Tarot, click here