The Hanged Man of March

Deck: Radiant Rider Waite Smith

When I did my New Year reading for 2019, I felt the whole spread seemed to divide itself into quarters as the cards appeared to group themselves that way. Two of the first three cards all seemed to suggest a letting go or becoming unstuck with the first card setting the tone of the quarter. 

With March having ended, it's time to review not only March but the quarter as well.

The Hanged Man suggests a surrender, a letting go, a crossroads of some kind. Even though he is hanging, albeit upside-down with all the blood slowly entering his brain, his face shows peace; and in many decks, a halo glows around his head. He has surrendered his life willingly for the greater good, a cause he believes in. While the image can be perceived as a bit unnerving, it is eventually for a greater good. No pain, no gain.

I have been letting go of a lot this month; a lot of pain, so a lot of gain, though sometimes I have to remind myself of the potential gain as it’s too easy not to accept the positive and slide back into the abyss. Sometimes we are more comfortable in the pain as we don’t know how to live or exist without it. We’ve been comfortable far too long with it as we've simply learned to manage it. What lies ahead in the light? After all, light can be blinding to the eyes so accustomed to the darkness.

I am trying to let go of having to know the answers right now. Why is all this change happening to me? What does it all mean? Why me? Do I deserve it? What lies ahead? 

I feel those are the eternal questions of life. Change is the only constant in our lives and sometimes the change is so drastic it does become a bit frightening. Okay, very frightening. But, always for our greater good. In the end, sometime.

I’ve also been letting go of what no longer serves me. In any sense. 

I’ve merged my internet, television and landline (yes, I still have one) into one account for a cheaper amount and better service. (It’s still a bit new, so the jury is still deciding on how good the service [and savings] will be.) I've let go of other accounts that no longer hold my interest, or I seem to take some time to get to. I'm streamlining my budget.

Almost anything I haven’t used or even seen in over six months is currently sitting in a box while I investigate how well similar items are selling on eBay. As of now, nothing similar has sold. I might just find a charity shop and make a nice donation for the tax advantages next year. I'm downsizing my material goods. 

So, letting go doesn’t always refer to emotions though some of the items I’m letting go have had some emotional connection, but even that has worn off. So, it’s time.

Now, it’s on to April and the second quarter of the year which is going to be interesting, as two of the cards have to do with the material and physical side of life with the third dealing with matters of the heart; while, simultaneously, two of them could address the completion or near-completion of a cycle and the third could be an aspect of someone around me or of me personally.

I can't wait to see how it goes...

Ten of Pentacles, King of Pentacles and Nine of Cups
Deck: The New Palladini

The Swords of February

New Palladini Tarot

When I did my reading for the New Year, I drew the Eight of Swords Reversed for February. Now that it's March, it's time to check in, albeit it a bit late.

When we look at the Eight of Swords upright, we see a figure wearing a blindfold with her arms bound to her sides. She is almost completely surrounded by eight swords. The blindfold obviously suggests she can't see and the bindings on her arms suggest restrictions and a lack of balance as we need our arms as a counterbalance when we walk. The swords around her suggest she is trying to move forward, yet blinded and somewhat out of balance. A tricky path indeed. How will she see what's in front of her? How will she catch herself should she stumble? Is it any wonder why so many readers see this card as a message of being stuck or restricted?

Swords is the suit of the mind; thoughts, truth, communication, and ideas are all associated with this suit. Therefore, this figure is stuck by her own thinking, ideas or perceptions. 

A reversed card in a reading could suggest the opposite of the card's basic meaning. Therefore, this card reversed could suggest a letting go of the restrictions, a freeing of the self, if you will. Or more simply put, getting unstuck. 

Radiant Rider-Waite-Smith
Tarot

As I contemplated the card at the beginning of the month and where I was then, I had a feeling the ideas, or thoughts, that were restricting me had to do with my spiritual growth and self-acceptance.

I may be mistaken. Or, maybe I just underestimated what the card may have suggested.

I have been feeling high anxiety of late. I've tried to focus on what is triggering me and what I can do to overcome it. I think I'm beginning to remove the blindfold.

I reconnected with someone very dear to me and I do believe we have a destiny together. We just hit our six month mark since reconnecting after a two and a half year separation. We have grown tremendously, both during the separation and since reconnecting. We have also grown individually and together.

And that is where some of the anxiety is coming from. This is becoming real. I've lived alone for almost nine years since the divorce with the exception of the disastrous short term roommate experiment. Should he and I take this relationship to that level, (I'm already overthinking, I admit it. It's those damn swords.) I'd have to make a few adjustments. But, I'm getting ahead of myself, way ahead of myself. Overthinking is part of my Aquarian/Libra nature. Or is it my charm? I forget. At least I now know what I need to work on to continue getting myself un-stuck. But, overcoming overthinking is not an easy task. 

But, I have also noticed I've let go of a lot. I have a deep seated fear of abandonment from my childhood and the constant moving we did. I'm learning to let go of that fear as we continue on our journey. I've also let go of expectations; of him, of me and of the relationship in general. After all, expectations are nothing but a planned disappointment.

While I first thought I knew the card referred to letting go of the restrictions or judgements I felt around accepting my spiritual gifts, which is still an underlying factor, now I feel this card seems to have also referenced some emotional baggage I've been carrying. I do feel some anxiety over getting closer with this man, which is only natural in any case. Since I've now identified where some of the anxiety is coming from, I can start removing the bindings to move forward more freely, even if I take baby steps. And since anxiety begins in the mind, the swords are very apropos here. All eight of them.

Does this mean I misinterpreted the card? Not really. I did have one idea of what the card was telling me, albeit superficially. I was already aware that I was unsure of this new spiritual direction and where it might take me and perhaps not trusting it, or myself, enough. Often, there are deeper, less superficial triggers to our anxieties, or any situation, and the Tarot can simply bring them to the surface for us to see. And therefore heal.

Or perhaps the message of the card was simply about my increasing awareness that my own thoughts, insecurities and deeper fears, whatever they may be-superficial or subterranean, are what holds me back; the more I become aware of them, the more I can remove the blindfold and bindings. And take baby steps forward. Which is still progress.

On to March and the Hanged Man. 

January's Judgments

Facing judgments
and a release

I tried something earlier this year. On January 1, I sat down with one of my tarot decks and did a reading for my upcoming year.

So, I'm checking in to see how I'm doing, both personally and with accuracy.

The card for January was Judgement.

This indicated I would be facing some judgements. This could mean that I was being judged, judging others or perhaps even judging myself.

The last part, judging myself, resonated very strongly with me, especially in context of the cards that followed; the Eight of Swords Reversed (letting go of restrictions) and the Hanged Man (surrendering to the what is), plus where I saw myself at that time.

Further experiences I’ve had over this last month seem to fit in the January Judgements predictions. Among them:

• Elements of a short story I began in 2017 seem to be happening now, which could simply be coincidental due to the real-life situation that inspired the story.
• I felt drawn to a new tarot deck which may be connecting me to a new Spirit Guide.
• The number synchronicities I’ve been seeing have shifted into yet a third pattern.

It is what it is

Individually, these would be just interesting events in my life. But, all of these happenings collectively became my own Ten of Wands, a huge bundle becoming almost too heavy to bear.

As I interpreted all of these as spiritual gifts, I began judging myself. Was I worthy of these gifts/abilities? Why me? And now that I was opening them, wtf was I supposed to do with them? I have come to believe they are all part of my higher consciousness, therefore they are part of me which means I can’t very well return or exchange them, in the same way I can’t return an arm or a leg. Can I?

A heavy burden

Let’s imagine that convo, shall we?

Me: Um, hello. I’d like to exchange these gifts.
God/Universe/HigherSelf: Really? Why? Don't you like them?
Me: It's not that; I’m just not comfortable with them.
G/U/HS: What? They don’t fit?
Me: Well, they don’t fit the image I have of me.
G/U/HS: They fit the image I have of you. And, besides, what would you exchange them for? Telekinesis? The ability to disapparate?
Me: I don’t know. What else do you have?
G/U/HS: You have them for a reason, they are embedded in you. And now that you’ve opened them, the decision on how to use them, or use them at all, is entirely up to you.
Me: I just don’t know what to do. I don’t feel worthy.
G/U/HS: The "knowing what to do" is all in your head. Stop overthinking. Just trust that you are worthy. Begin there. And you’ll know what to do. After all, how did you know you wanted to teach?
Me: It just felt right.
G/U/HS: Bingo. All it takes is Faith and Trust. And to believe in yourself.
Me: I’m working on it.
G/U/HS: I know you are. Growth is painful. So is change.
Me: Very.
G/U/HS: I have faith in you. You need it in yourself.
Me: Is that why You gave them to me?
G/U/HS: You catch on quick.
Me: I have just one more question.
G/U/HS: Just one?
Me: Haha. Can you at least give me time to adjust to what I’ve opened before throwing something new at me?
G/U/HS: You’re the one opening the gifts, not me.
Me: Oh.

So, maybe all of these interesting things happening around me are steps for me to accept myself exactly as I am and release any judgments.

Especially of myself.

Well, it seems the Judgment card for January wasn't far off. Let's see what the 8 of Swords Reversed brings in February.

Feeling less restricted

Should be interesting.

A Lesson in Comfort

For about 6 days last month I was so far out of my comfort zone, I felt I could no longer see it.

Which might be a good thing. 

Okay, it probably is a good thing.

The teachers in my former district had authorized a strike over multiple issues. Is a strike ever called over just a single issue?

I remember going on strike in 1989. I remember those difficult decisions of choosing to go without pay for a greater good. I remember those comments on how selfish we were for striking for higher pay by those who didn’t see beyond what we did in the classroom; the countless hours at home preparing lessons, grading papers, calling parents, buying supplies and attending conferences (on our own dime) during our summers off. Or those who didn’t see what else we were striking for; an end to much of the politics that went on behind the scenes in many schools; favoritism/harassment from the principals, restricted use of school equipment, countless non-productive faculty meetings that went on for hours, etc.

I also remember those difficult moments of needing a restroom while picketing and not having one nearby. While I can’t clearly recall how we handled the situation in 1989, I believe my then-principal turned a blind eye and opened a side door for us to use a restroom in the auditorium which technically meant we were crossing the picket line to enter the building and could therefor be subject to disciplinary actions should we return to the line. I heard rumors from my colleagues the current principal was not so sympathetic.

I live in a small gated community across from an elementary school in the same district. While I wanted to support my former colleagues, I didn’t relish the idea of a thirty-five mile commute at 6:30 a.m. again. So, I chose to walk with the teachers across the street. And offer them my home, more specifically, my bathrooms. Well, two of the bathrooms, anyway.

For an introvert, meeting a bunch of new people can be daunting, if not down right intimidating. For an empath, loud noises and others’ unchecked emotions can be draining. And to invite them into my home, if only for a brief but much needed moment or two, was huge. Therefore, picketing with a bunch of new people all chanting, beating drums and other loud implements was overwhelming. But it was still something I wanted to do. Or felt I needed to do, if only to step out of my comfort zone and yes, help out fellow teachers. For an empathic introvert, my reaction to all this would be a true test in self-care.

Prior to the strike, I contacted their union rep, mentioned my offer and found out their schedule. She was very grateful and explained the union wanted a presence at the school when parents dropped off and then picked up their children which meant morning and afternoon picketing while in between those times, there would be marches and rallies in downtown Los Angeles or at the local district offices.

The first day of the strike arrived in pouring rain. Adding the rain to their morning beverages, I soon had a request for a field trip to my house. The first few trips were small groups of about five to six. We made a couple of trips each morning. Due to the rain, the teachers chose to take off their ponchos and shoes, leaving their wet picket signs outside. Bless them. They came in, two at a time, one would use the powder room in the entry way and the other would go upstairs to the guest bath. A couple of times, once a group was heading to my house, it grew so large that a line formed outside my house! I had to quickly head upstairs and tidy up the third bathroom. That must have been a sight for those in my complex. It must have looked like the lines outside a stadium restroom.

Every day, at the end of the picketing, the union rep made sure to thank everyone who came out and also acknowledged me. The group also shared their gratitude for the use of my restrooms.

When the strike was over, the teachers held a post-strike unity party and invited me to join them.

During the party, the union rep made yet another point of thanking me by handing me two gift bags and two greeting cards in envelopes. One bag contained a plastic container with a roll of bathroom paper to replace the ones they had used. Okay, a cute gag gift. The other bag held a nice bottle of red wine. 

Once home, I opened the envelopes to read the cards. They were inscribed with various expressions of gratitude. And there was a gift card inside.

A very generous gift card which I felt was overly generous for just allowing people the simple use of my bathrooms. And, yes, their generosity for this left me a bit uncomfortable.

I have since come to accept the fact that this was how much it meant to them, not what it meant to me and this was their expression of gratitude. What I felt was a simple, though mildly inconvenient, hospitable act, was perceived quite differently.

We never know the effect our actions will have on others.

It is, after all, a matter of perspective.

Someone New

Several years ago, I met the first two of my now several Spirit Guides. Bear and Ferret first appeared to me in a vision and over the years that followed I’ve met other Spirit Guides-Sparrow, Stag, Swan, Lion and Snake. Bat and Jaguar came along too. Later, Eagle flew into my spiritual zoo, as I refer to them collectively.

Admittedly, I haven’t been working with them as much as I should be, or would like to and lately something tells me someone else is pecking their way into my life. Or they have been there all along and I’ve just not been paying attention. Recently, I’ve noticed many coincidental references, signs, and appearances of this particular potential new Spirit Guide.

It all started when I was searching through the internet and somehow was drawn (led?) to a website for a new tarot deck, the Crow Tarot. This deck won’t be released until mid-winter 2019, but when I saw the deck, I felt compelled to pre-order it. And before I knew it, I had.

I must admit I’ve always been drawn more to ravens than crows. When I was younger and began studying Native Americans in third grade, I was captivated more by the cultures of the US Pacific Northwest, the Canadian Southwest and Southeast Alaska than by the other cultures we studied. I was especially fascinated by their legends featuring Raven as a trickster. Maybe Raven has been hovering around me since then waiting for me to awaken.

Crows and Ravens are distinct species and it’s often difficult to tell them apart at first glance. There’s something about the tail, wing feathers, beak, hackles, calls and size. Oh, and habitat also matters; even though their habitats can overlap, ravens are less likely to be found in populated urban areas, whereas crows can be.

Both species are considered among the most intelligent of the bird family. Both species have been observed using tools to acquire food and they have also been seen taking food from campers' unattended, but closed, backpacks.

Spiritually, they are also very similar. Across cultures, traditionally they have been associated with death, magic, mystery, and transformation. At one point, Crow and Raven were believed to escort souls to the other side and therefore were seen as messengers of death. Today, they are seen as an indicator that one’s life is going through a transformation, a metaphorical death, so to speak. Because of their association with magic and mystery, they also can represent intuition and foresight. Both are keen observers and learn by watching, and therefore remind us to watch, be patient, to learn from our surroundings and adapt. 

One of the key differences between them is that crows are more social than ravens, so a crow Spirit Guide would suggest finding one’s own flock, where a raven Spirit Guide could suggest a more solitary life path.

As I began to sense Raven around me more, I looked back for any connection I might have missed. 

I recognized my long fascination with Raven in mythology, particularly Pacific Northwest coast mythology. Recently, I discovered Odin had two ravens, Hugin and Munin, as his companions and they served as his eyes and ears over other Norse gods and humans. Apollo had a white raven as a companion and when the bird brought news of Apollo’s love interest being unfaithful, he burned the bird’s feathers black in rage. Fickle is the temper of a spurned god. 

In my studies of the tarot, I was drawn to the works of another reader, Raven Mardirosian, who wrote a wonderful book which resonated deeply with me. The Reluctant Tarot Reader, Adventures in the Gypsy Trade tells of her life venturing into the tarot and healing business. I’ve read a couple of her other books, and I now follow her pages on Facebook and Instagram and we comment back and forth once in a while. 

For more information on Raven Mardirosian and her work, please click here.

In the Harry Potter stories, I felt I would have been sorted into Ravenclaw house, whose symbol, ironically isn’t a raven but an eagle. Go figure. But, Eagle is also a very powerful totem or spirit guide, so I won’t complain. I just wish those who market the merchandise would get it right. Fickle is the temperament of a hardcore fan.

Often, I will acquire some charm, token or talisman to help connect with a Spirit Guide. Even though it’s not a requirement, it is often helpful. I started looking for something with a raven on it. I found so many options but nothing reached out and grabbed me, except the soon-to-be-released tarot deck. Very early one morning, when the thoughts of whatever was floating around in my subconscious woke me up, I went to do some writing on my computer. (They say if you can’t sleep, then leave the room for a while, occupy yourself, then go back and try to sleep again. It usually works for me.) All of a sudden I recalled a charm of a raven I had purchased years ago. I returned to my room and found it in one of the drawers where I keep my charms and rings. I guess I’ve been connected to Raven for a while, but just unaware. Maybe it was that tarot deck that spurred me on.

Ravens are not known to live in the LA area, too urban for them, I guess. But, there are crows in my neighborhood. I’ve been wanting one to come and visit my yard. I have seen and heard them on my roof, sometimes banging on the crown of my chimney. Occasionally, I’ll see them on the roof of the neighbor’s house behind me. Finally the other day, as I was working in my office, I saw some branches in my ficus tree rustling like something was in there. I’ve seen sparrows, finches, doves and the occasional jay roosting in there but this was something different. After all, sparrows, finches, doves and the occasional jay can’t make the tree move that much! After a bit, I did see some black wings fluttering about in the tree. A crow had landed there! Unfortunately, it did not stay long. Damn. Birds can be so flighty.

I don’t know where this connection with Raven will take me, but knowing Raven’s reputation for being a trickster, it will definitely prove interesting!

As will learning the new tarot deck!

For information on the Crow Tarot, click here 

A Look Ahead

Here we are in another new year. 

Whoopee

A new year means new beginnings, new ideas, new things to try.

So, I tried something new.

On January 1, I sat down with my preferred Tarot deck-the New Palladini-and grounded myself. I shuffled the deck, cut it, and laid out twelve cards, one for each month, in a clock pattern, with the card for January in the 1 o’clock position and continued all the way to December at 12 o’clock. I turned the deck over for the shadow card, the one underneath everything else. It would represent the overall theme for the year. I placed the deck in the center where the hands on an analog clock would be.

I did a quick overview to get a general feel for the spread and potential year ahead. I know that one card to represent 28-31 days is a lot to ask of a piece of paper, and other factors can still come up during the month, but as a general long term lesson for the month, I feel it's not too much. Or perhaps I can look at it as an area for me to work on. As a goal, not a prediction.

Many tarot readers and the public at large perceive certain cards as inherently positive or negative. And the imagery in a card can certainly lend to that perception; yet every card has both a light and shadow side, for one cannot exist without the other. In my quick overview, admittedly I was relieved to see only two cards that are generally perceived as negative or unfavorable; the Two and Eight of Swords which aren’t even that bad. And even one of those, the 8, was reversed, suggesting I look at its light side! So, my initial assessment was I was in for a potentially good year.

What also struck me as intriguing was that the cards seemed to come up in themes. The first half of the year appeared to be smooth sailing or learning with some challenges coming up in the second half. That doesn’t mean something won’t come up in the first half, but overall nothing terribly heavy. And I'm keeping in mind this is a map of my year, or suggested areas of growth, not a prediction.

Judgment, the 8 of Swords Reversed, and the Hanged Man together suggest that from January through March, I will be facing judgments either from others or, more likely from myself. With those Judgments in mind I should, or will be, freeing myself from those judgments or restraints of the 8 of Swords Reversed, and continue to let go of them, surrendering to the what is via the Hanged Man. With Judgment and the Hanged Man both being Major Arcana cards, that will be one heavy quarter. But, in a good way. Lots of continued personal growth. 

The next quarter looks the most interesting. Material, prosperity and emotion are the themes here. April and May have the 10 and King of Pentacles respectively, with June carrying the 9 of Cups. Some readers see the 10 of Pentacles as a happiness card as it typically depicts a family, often multiple generations. In this deck, it shows a couple staring off into the distance at a castle. The King of Pentacles represents a faithful provider, possible abundance, and is generous with what he’s accumulated. The 9 of Cups suggests satisfaction, gratitude and wishes coming true. So, lots of happiness, abundance, prosperity and satisfaction. Sounds good. Bring it!

Summer is where we get the first signs of uh-oh. The 7 of Rods in July suggests challenges, standing my ground. I may have to get defensive over some decisions I’ll be making. August brings the Knight of Cups Reversed followed by the 2 of Swords in September. Some emotional confusion, or withdrawal, maybe due to something I’m not seeing or possibly resisting. 

The last quarter was the most challenging for me to interpret as all three cards came up reversed, which isn’t always a bad thing. 

October has the 4 of Pentacles Reversed which could suggest a loosening of control over material goods or money. Will I continue purging things I no longer need or begin overspending? Or following the emotional issues in August/September, will I become overprotective? The 9 of Rods Reversed in November might suggest I could be wondering about how much more I can go on. Do I have the stamina? While the Hermit Reversed in December could suggest less introspection, less time on my own and getting more “out there” or further introspection, possible isolation. Yet, for some reason that doesn’t resonate. Maybe by December I will have faced all my judgments and put everything to rest. After all, if this shows what could happen as a possible outcome, I still have free will to make my own choices or changes. 

The theme, or shadow, card was the Page of Rods. In general, the pages can represent learning opportunities, and this page suggests being more creative, passionate, taking action. So, this will be a year of creativity, following my passions and taking more action. 

I’m still getting used to using different spreads and seeing how accurate people tell me my readings for them are. 

So, it will be interesting to see how well this plays out.

Stay tuned. 

A Cheerful Giver

I spent most of my teen years in fundamental Baptist churches. I even tried to remain religious through my turbulent coming out years. That didn’t go well. Not the coming out, though that had its moments; but, the remaining religious part. I eventually became more spiritual which is quite different. 

I remember many of the principles from my religious indoctrination, one of them being “God loves a cheerful giver” which was often said as the offering plates were being passed around. I doubt that was any coincidence, maybe to encourage the indoctrinated to give more, or at least to feel more cheerful about what we were able to give. 

I have since come to believe more in a Universal energy than some deity sitting somewhere wanting to be worshipped. I’ve also come to believe our energies create our reality, or perhaps our perception of it. I think of it as a mindset. Walt Disney once said, “if you can dream it, you can do it.” And Henry Ford also said, “if you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

Karma even gets into it here with the “what goes around, comes around threefold” ideology; treat people with kindness and the universe will respond in kind and vice versa times three. The trouble with this karma thing is that karma works on its own timetable. 

I feel we could extend this mindset idea to other matters as well. 

For example, in dating situations, if we believe all men or women are dishonest, we will attract men or women who are dishonest. In our material world, if we maintain a poverty mindset, we will remain in poverty. 

I do feel badly for those who are in need and try to help when I can. And when I do help, I try to do it cheerfully, not out of  guilt, exasperation or a feeling of “If I give you a dollar, will you shut up and go away?”

Nor do I help with the idea of expecting a karmic benefit, meaning that for every dollar I cheerfully offer someone I don’t expect three in return. Karma doesn’t work like that. I believe karma looks at your intention. If you do something positive with the intention of being rewarded for it, karma says no because it's not coming from the heart. Expectations are planned disappointments, even karmic ones. Yes, even karma loves a cheerful giver. 

Speaking of cheerful givers, I had an odd experience the other day right before Christmas.

I went shopping and as I was entering the store, a woman exited. “I don’t have any money for groceries,” she said, “Could you please help?”

I quickly gave her the once over; her hair was pulled back into a bun, she had on some makeup, her clothes were neat and clean, though why all that registered with me, I don't know. I then caught myself remembering I don’t need to know why she was in this predicament. Maybe she still had a job and a roof over her head, but just needed money for food for the holidays due to reasons unknown to me. I caught myself for being a bit judgmental and reached for my wallet. I pulled out a dollar, handed it to her and prepared to go on my way. Yet there was something in her energy that still left me uneasy.

“Could you make it a twenty?” She asked. 

My immediate thought was “WTF?”, snapped “No!” and considered taking my dollar back due to an apparent lack of gratitude, but didn’t. So much for being a cheerful giver. 

On one hand she had some nerve to ask for more, on the other hand she had the right to ask. Yet, not once did she mention children to add credence or guilt to her plight. 

I continued with my shopping, exited the store, whereupon she asked me once again for money. 

“I already gave you some” I answered curtly, still irritated about the ‘make it a twenty’ issue and that she apparently forgot that I had just given her money a few moments before.

“Oh, thank you.”

As I walk this path, I try to react without judgment, but I am human as well. I find myself reviewing, rehashing and rethinking overthinking things.

Actually, I need to learn not to react which is very hard. 

Therapists say the major part of our stress and anxiety lies in how we react to or perceive events.

Which makes it all the more important not to react.

Somehow.