Yes! That's It!

For a few months; okay, a couple of years, I've been debating/contemplating/worrying about dating.

I've expressed my fears, concerns, bewilderment at the prospect.

And while I do acknowledge my fears:

• fear of intimacy;
• fear of rejection;
• fear of repeating past mistakes not learning past lessons; including
• settling for someone I'm not worthy of;
• not accepting that the relationship was no longer working,
• not accepting that it is okay to end it,
• losing too much of myself in the process,
• not heeding my instincts early on,
• not taking care of myself in the process,

there was still something else that was missing in all that. And I couldn't put my finger on it.

Until this morning.

I woke up earlier than usual and since I couldn't get back to sleep, (my mind had already begun racing through the events for the day) I started reading the news on my iPad. I eventually found myself at the Huffington Post, where I check out a number of regular pages. One page in particular I check out is "Divorce." While the majority of the articles are written by women for women, I still try to 'find' myself in the articles, blogs, etc. Sometimes I do.

This morning was one of those times.

I read an article entitled "To Date or Not to Date? That is the Question," by blogger Aimee Vlachos. That is where I have found myself, at that particular crossroad. Do I? Don't I? Friends have been trying to fix me up; a lesbian couple had a friend for me the moment they heard I was single, which ironically was the same night I met them; friends have been asking if there are any 'prospects', Facebook friends have been openly posting on my Timeline, other friends telling me "I just want you to be happy, you deserve it."

And even though I have been reticent to begin dating, their 'encouragement' (which I acknowledge comes from their love for me) has only made me dig in my Aquarian heels a little deeper. (We can be so obstinately stubborn determined to do things on our own timetable!)

And the unsettledness as to why I didn't want to begin dating was still gnawing at me. Was it really all the pressure in addition to my own fears? Was there something else? After all, a friend who had broken up with his boyfriend had already moved on to someone new; and my ex had as well. So, why hadn't I? Yes, I know, we all march to our own drummer. And sometimes mine isn't even in the same parade as the rest of society. (It's an Aquarian thing.)

But, that wasn't it, either.

As I read this article, Ms. Vlachos mentioned being very happy for her friend who had found happiness after losing her husband two years prior. Yet, Ms. Vlachos still wasn't ready to look for her own happiness, two years after divorcing her husband. The idea of meeting, and talking to someone new gave her a sense of claustrophobia. Gods, can I relate!  I had blogged earlier that even the thought discovering another man's idiosyncrasies gave me the creeps, something Ms. Vlachos and I both understand. And for me, the idea of sex and intimacy had me considering a new career in the priesthood. (Okay, maybe not the best analogy, but I make my point.)  I had toyed with the idea of a platonic roommate but that, too, filled me with a sense of entrapment. So, obviously I didn't want anyone in my life or personal space, right now.

While there are a few other things Ms. Vlachos and I share, there is one thing we might not. She states she is still looking for that piece of the puzzle she doesn't have, while I think I have found mine.

I have been in a relationship since 1986. My first partner and I started dating that summer and remained together until his death in 1994. Approximately ten months later, I met He-Who-Would-Become-My-Ex-Husband. We were together from that moment until 2010. So, short of about ten months in between my husbands, I have been in a relationship for twenty-four years!

When that hit me, it was like a 2x4 upside my head. I nearly leaped out of bed like Archimedes at the baths, "Eureka!" It all made sense. I didn't want to date anyone else, because I wanted to date myself. I wanted, no, I needed this time to get to know me again, to celebrate ME!

And it's about effing time.

Photo courtesy of GJ Spiller Photography!

For the original article, click here:

Date!

I had a kind of date, maybe. No, I guess it was a date. Really. I dressed for it. I have a profile on an app, which I have blogged about, and I started chatting with someone, not 317 miles away, or 2,489 miles, but only 20 miles away! Progress, they're getting closer!! Yay!

Our initial meeting went well, he actually looked like his photos. We met for breakfast and had a very formal conversation which was to be expected at our first meeting. I left the establishment wondering if I would hear from him again, and contemplating if I should call him to at least suggest a second meeting to get to know him a little better. But, how soon is too soon to call? I didn't want to appear over-eager and frighten the poor man away, yet I didn't want to seem disinterested.

I also want to say I had some gut instincts about him. He seemed very nice, he is nice looking, bearish, but there was something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I kept my reserve up. Yet, I did want to see him again. Did he want to see me?

Three hours later I had my answer via text. Yes, he did want to see me. But, my finger was still twitching for he also said the one thing I didn't want to hear. The pictures I posted on my profile did not do me justice. I was now fighting the same old battle of my own insecurities. Was I either going to be a trophy, a conquest, or would I have to deal with his insecurities; he thinks he's not good enough for me? Or a combination of all three. So, not only was my reserve up, now my shields were as well. Yet, I still wanted to move forward and prove that maybe I was wrong on all counts and accept that he wanted to see me for me.

I want to interject here, I had been chatting on a site once before with another man I found to be very handsome and sexy and we wanted to meet. During our chats I had mentioned my blog and he seemed interested. I sent him the URL, he read it and felt I wouldn't like him because he wasn't as out of the closet as I was. I countered with some profound wisdom like "We all fight our own battles and I can't understand your perspective, and that's not for me to judge. But let's just see what we can bring to each other." I haven't heard back from him.

But, back to my story. We talked some more, and I asked him out to an art gallery showcasing a gay artist I've been following. He agreed and then asked me out to see a friend of his who was reading or singing at an open mic night the night before my event. I agreed, so we'd be seeing each other twice in one weekend. Two dates with one man in one weekend! Progress! Woo-hoo!

While I'm not going to get into any of the specific details of my dates with him, I see a lot of progress in me. Like the weather stripping away the paint on walls and doors over time, some of my old attitudes are falling away and I'm evaluating what I am finding underneath. My instincts were that he was a good man, he could be a good friend, yet it was way too soon to see if he was husband material.  Invariably, at some point, in the future, down the road, I would have to take that step and get 'comfortable', and then cross the big bridge. I was okay with taking that step with him, knowing I did not necessarily see long term potential here at this time. We would not be spending the night together and then picking out china patterns after breakfast. And I was okay with that!! Dating someone does not have to lead to marriage. And I was okay with that, too!! And whether 'it' happens with him or someone else later, I'm okay with that, as well.

Yet, all this brings up the question, if this were to be a finite dating situation, or even, GASP! a friends with benefits thing, how do you negotiate the end at the beginning? Or do you? How do you handle the "You'll do just until someone better comes along" attitude that seems to be built in to an FWB? That doesn't sound very pleasant to someone like me who wears his heart so loosely on his sleeve, sometimes it falls off. But, I was still okay with this.

It's still progress for me.


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The buildings here are the carriage house and stables at Greystone Mansion in Beverly Hills, California. The mansion is kept up for visitors, but as few people come down to these buildings on the grounds, they don't receive the same attention as the main park.

For more information on Greystone Mansion click here.