Too Hasty?

Perhaps I was a bit hasty in my previous post where I ranted about not needing people.

I was ranting about those not already in my circle and probably won’t be. Or shouldn’t.

Yet, on my morning walks, I have encountered some very nice people.

Out for my walk

Let me begin by saying I leave my home with a mask on. It’s become customary, a force of habit. In the cooler months, it keeps my face warm. In the warmer months, I do end up taking it off when I don't see anyone on the block where I’m walking. And partially because it’s getting a bit stuffy under there. But, when I see someone coming, I do put it back on and if possible and safe, I still step into the street to keep my social distancing.

But, no one bullies me about my choices. I see a variety of people both with and without masks. No one says anything to anyone.

I enjoy saying hello to the people I meet on my way; the gardeners, the street maintenance people, the sanitation workers in their big green trucks, others out for their walks. It’s just a simple greeting; a wave, a nod, a “good morning”, a “have a nice day.” Occasionally, there is a bit more, like “How are you?” or “How’s it going?” and then a brief exchange, “I’m well, thanks.” Or it may be about the weather, like when I saw an elderly woman raking leaves from her yard in the early morning on a day when it was forecast to be 104 in my area. “It’s a good thing you're getting this done early,” I said. “Yes, it is,” she replied. I reminded her to stay hydrated, though I usually end with something like “Stay healthy” or “Have a good one” and continue on my way. 

I enjoy these brief exchanges and have even met some regulars.

There’s the young man who walks his boxer, Louie, and an older gentleman who walks Lucy, the young beagle. There’s Bella of unknown breed though I suspect some Pit Bull in there somewhere. She sits in her yard most mornings and greets the people walking by. One day, a man in the yard told me she was a very sweet dog and would lick me to death and that she loves to greet the kids walking to or from the school up the block. And she is very sweet. So, when I walk by and she’s in the yard, she makes a beeline for the fence, tail wagging, sticks her snout through and I stop and greet her and give her some scratches and ear rubs. Occasionally, her owner is out there and we wave and say hello.

The Monastery

I miss the school bus drivers now that school is out. I’d wave and if they were outside their bus, I’d thank them for bringing the kids to the school. I hope they are enjoying their well-deserved summer break or getting to work summer school for some additional money.

I've encountered a South Asian family with two young children. It's taken them a while, but now they all smile and wave when they see me coming.

On one walk, a couple of years ago, I discovered a Vietnamese Buddhist monastery in my neighborhood. A few times, I have seen some of the monks tending their garden. I greet them with prayer hands and a slight bow. They return the gesture, though often a one-handed greeting as they are often holding a garden tool in the other.

The other side of the monastery

The lions guarding the main doors

I also like checking in (metaphorically) with those people who I encountered before. One man was walking a very young puppy, (Chocolate lab, if I remember) while carrying his young son in a baby carrier on his chest. A few months later, the baby was in a stroller, and the puppy was not so small. Then there was the Armenian couple (I only know that because they were flying an Armenian flag on their house during the recent conflict with Azerbaijan.) who was doing some home remodeling and I was watching the piles of materials slowly growing smaller. An elderly gentleman was digging out some roots one time when I walked by a few weeks ago. We chatted and he said he was getting some help for the more stubborn ones. A couple of days ago, he was now working on his sprinkler system as I guess he got those roots taken care of. I reminded him to stay cool and hydrated as it was going to be a scorcher. There is a man I’ve seen a few times in the company of what I believe to be a healthcare worker as her scrubs gave her away. Oh, and he had a walker and a brace on one of his legs. He seems to be making progress as I’ve seen him about, still with his walker and brace but unaccompanied by his health aide. 

When I’d walk in the evening in the warmer weather when it would stay lighter later, I recognized some regulars then, too, mostly couples out for their evening constitutional.

The one set of regulars I’m not too keen on running into are the dog alarms who need to alert the whole neighborhood I’m in the area. Some houses I can avoid on my walk, others I can’t. 

There is a very interesting set of “regulars” I encounter from time to time. Crows. A while back I began taking some raw peanuts with me to drop when I saw some crows or squirrels. I’ve been doing this for a while on various routes of my walks and sometimes I’ve seen crows fly either to trees, lampposts or the phone wires overhead and they watch me. I take some peanuts out, show them to the crows then drop them on the ground and walk away. A few steps later, I turn and see if they’ve seen them. Most times they have. Sometimes, it’s a couple, other times it’s a flock. It’s not easy telling one crow from another, so it might be the same few, or a different flock each time.

Crows

More crows!

Crows, again

It’s these friendly encounters with people and the crows that I enjoy. I just don’t like setting off the dog alarms.

Photos courtesy of Jeffrey Ballam.

People. Who Needs People?

I’m really getting tired of people.

Tired, annoyed, frustrated and every other synonym I can think of. Even angry.

Perhaps someone can explain to me why it is necessary for others to be in someone else’s business? Or up in their face?

I recently went to buy some groceries. Here in LA County, the mandatory mask restrictions were lifted on indoor shopping, though masks are still highly encouraged. I still wear one when shopping indoors. In the store, the majority of customers and clerks were wearing one with a few of each going without. In the store, all was calm. Yet, upon leaving, I was harassed in the parking lot. “Nice job wearing a mask!” or some such utterance by a guy who was maskless.

My knee-jerk reaction was simply “Thank you.”

Yet, once home and groceries put away, I ruminated on why did the little f**ker have to say anything at all? What damn business of his was it anyway why I still chose to wear my mask?

Since then, I have even envisioned a few scenarios where I approach him (or the next one) and ask in the most congenial tone possible, “How does my wearing a mask affect you personally?”

I imagine the rest of the conversation going something like this:

Harasser: “You don’t have to wear your mask.”

Me: “I know. And how are you affected by my choosing to do so?”

keepcalmandposters.com

H: “I just wanted to tell you that you don’t need to.”

Me: “I repeat. I know I don’t have to. Now answer my question. How are you personally affected by my wearing a mask? Why does it bother you that I do?”

Whether the harasser ever realizes that they are not personally affected by my wearing a mask, I have yet to figure out. This fantasy confrontation never seems to get that far. Yet, should I ever feel brave enough to ask them, I can only hope to plant a little seed in their little pea brain. Because, in the first place it only affects them by preventing them from getting ill should someone else be sick with any respiratory ailment; cold, flu, or gods forbid, the dreaded COVID.

And in the second place, it's my business.

I am a person who, once I've made up my mind about something, it is MY business and no one else's and I'm not likely to be swayed. This applies to all my choices from my spirituality, my political decisions, my choice of romantic partners and whether I choose to have one or not, my choice of diet, whether I choose to boycott certain businesses or not. I've done my research, made my decision and the case is now closed. Period. Full stop. End of story. And I don't want to hear your story.

My overall point is why do they need to be in other people’s faces anyway? The number of people confronting others over their continued mask use is staggering. On airplanes, in shopping centers, and even in schools.

My friend's middle school age son was harassed-bullied, rather-by some students for wearing his mask. Mask shaming begins young, evidently.

And lately, it’s not just about masks.

A recent news article, or video posted to social media, I can’t recall where I saw it, showed a woman shouting homophobic slurs at a gay couple on an airplane. In 2022? She claimed that Elon Musk, an avowed free-speech absolutist who’s trying to buy Twitter and will allegedly allow all manner of speech-including verified disinformation-has given her the right to speak her mind whenever, wherever and to whomever she chooses.  

Or what about those protesters who stand in front of an abortion clinic, harassing the women who are entering the building. Why is it their business what those women choose to do with their body? I mean they have a right to peacefully protest, yet they don’t have a right to harass someone who’s making a very painful decision. In my opinion, the decision lies with the woman and her doctor. I do feel the father should have some say in it, but I can recognize that some women might not feel that way.

And one further question for those pro-life protestors? Are they prepared to adopt the surrendered babies or just leave them to the state and then complain about the cost of their care in the system?

I could always ask myself, prior to engagement, is "Is this individual intellectually, mentally and emotionally competent to comprehend my point of view?" Probably not.

Credit: Quotemaster.org

The best overall approach for me, as I said in a prior post, is non-attachment, non-confrontational. When I’m harassed, the best approach is a non-engagement, a don't-feed-their-ego approach. This should be very easy for me as I didn't engage or react when I was bullied at school by being called "queer", "faggot", or "gay boy". So why is now different?

Maybe I'm just tired of it from all those years ago and am being triggered. Again.

I guess I should let it all go once at home.

It's not very easy.

Credit to ramblingsoftheclaury.com

My Latest Rabbit Hole

I know I’ve neglected posting here but the motivation to do much of anything has been a casualty of both the pandemic and the political landscape here in the US. I hope to get back to posting more regularly.

Someone recently suggested to me that I’d find love again. While it was a nice sentiment and the person meant well, it didn’t truly resonate with me. In fact, it felt downright alien to me and I couldn’t figure out why.

I think I’ve mentioned once or twice before in this blog that I have a slight tendency to overthink. So naturally, I fixated on the sentiment and why it didn’t seem to resonate.

It eventually hit me; it wasn’t the sentiment itself, but the word find.

Then, like Alice, I went down the rabbit hole. What was it about the word find that seemed to irk me?

Photo by Louis Moncouyoux on Unsplash

Well, find implies searching and searching implies there’s something lost. So, if you are searching for something you lost, that implies a need because you wouldn’t be searching for it unless you needed it and need suggests desperation, a weakness, or a dependency. (We need food and water otherwise we’d grow weak and eventually die.) While it’s true, I did lose a relationship when my partner of nearly 16 years suddenly decided he wanted out, I also gained a greater sense of self. So, I lost love but gained myself. Score one for me. So, do I see a relationship as a sign of weakness? Or is it the need of one that’s a weakness?

And, yes, find can also imply a chance encounter, like when I find money on the ground or stumble upon something as in the times I've stumbled upon crow feathers.

When this person said this to me, I definitely wasn't searching for love, nor did I have any hope of stumbling upon a chance encounter with some nice guy in a market or the like. Basically, I'd given up.

It’s been eleven years of singleness, or is it singlehood? Singledom? Regardless, I’ve been independent for a while now. Quite independent. Yeah, I don’t need a relationship. I can handle things on my own. After all, I’ve been doing it for eleven years now. I’ve handled many home repair jobs on my own, from landscaping to some remodeling and redecorating. I mean I hired someone to do most of it, but still. I did it.

Then I saw something that kicked my overthinking into hyperdrive; a meme that suggested that being too independent for a relationship was actually a trauma response.

Trauma? What trauma response? I haven’t suffered any trauma other than shattering my finger when I was six years old. But, what would that have to do with being too independent for a relationship?

Could the divorce be the trauma? No, I was past that. After all, I had dated a bit afterwards. But, nothing ever came of any of them. There was the nice guy I met barely four months after the divorce where a misunderstanding and some miscommunication caused us to go our separate ways. Then there were the illiterate guys on the apps who seemed to want just one thing which I wasn’t prepared to offer which I clearly stated in my profile-NO HOOKUPS. So, I deleted my accounts on the apps, never looked back and decided I was done with relationships because I was exhausted from searching to find The One as well as from trying to explain myself. I was tired of the disappointments, the games, the seeming lies, the illiteracy, of being ghosted. Wait, I may be on to something here.

During all this, I also began to explore my more spiritual side and focused on my own growth as a spiritual being. At one point, I explored the basics of Buddhism and there was one principle that seemed to resonate with me; non-attachment.

Non-attachment is the practice of accepting the fact that nothing is permanent. We could lose everything in one fell swoop. Any natural disaster could destroy a house and all the material items within. We could suffer a financial loss from losing a job or due to overpriced and underinsured medical bills as a result of a major illness or accident. A relationship could suddenly end, like when my husband emailed he wanted out or when my first partner passed away. 

Buddha said the root of our suffering is our attachment to an outcome, to our material possessions, to our relationships.

In addition to non-attachment, I also like to practice not having expectations from anyone or for anything because when you expect something from someone, you set yourself up for being potentially disappointed. Neither of these practices is easy and I have slipped up on numerous occasions.

Anyway…

With the thought of me possibly hiding behind being too independent to need a relationship conflicting with the aim of not being attached to the idea of having another relationship, I found myself living a tarot card; the Two of Swords.

The message of the Two of Swords is one of facing conflicting thoughts, choices or decisions and being asked to decide while keeping emotions at bay, to look at the situations logically.

So, my dilemma is this: am I avoiding finding love because I’ve been traumatized or have I truly detached from the idea of needing a relationship?

I think the answer boils down to this: would I feel comfortable being vulnerable with another man? I would like to think I would. I know I am capable of taking care of myself and my house. So, I don’t need anyone to take care of me. But, having someone there, just in case, would be reassuring. I can entertain myself with the books and DVDs in my collections. Yet, watching a movie together could be relaxing. But, it also includes the suggestion of at least being open to the potential of entering a relationship. I would like to think that if I met someone who truly knocked my socks off and could accept my eccentricities, I'd entertain the idea of exploring a relationship with him.

Then there would be some practical issues as well. But, those are for another day.

Right now, I just have to decide on a Sword.

Radiant Rider Waite Smith Tarot

Though something tells me there just might be a third sword.

Three of Swords
Radiant Rider Waite Smith Tarot

Regardless of any lingering past trauma or being truly detached from the need of a relationship, what do I truly want?

Three Wands at the End

December has given way to January and that means two things; a new month and a new year and those two things mean two other things; a check-in with my New Year reading for 2021 for December and a New Year reading for 2022. The latter will be forthcoming, so stay tuned.

Radiant Rider Waite Smith
(C)2003 US Games, Inc.

My card for December 2021 was the Three of Wands Reversed. In the traditional deck, we see a man standing on a cliff overlooking a body of water, a bay or an ocean. (Why it’s painted yellow, who knows? Unless it’s supposed to reflect the sunrise or sunset…?) He is dressed somewhat nicely suggesting he’s a merchant. He’s also watching some ships in the water. Are they his? Or is he just admiring the view? If they are his ships, are they sailing out on some adventure to acquire more merchandise or are they returning home filled with goods and trinkets for him to sell? Either way, this card is about anticipation of future events. Plans are needed for whichever scenario turns out to be true. The main message of this card is planning for the future, anticipating possible success, exploring new options and seeing the bigger picture. However, as this card came out reversed, it would suggest something other than that.

In the Grimalkin Tarot by MJ Cullinane, a young cat stares across the desert, wondering what adventure awaits. What lies on the other side of the mountains? Is it time to go explore and see what’s over there? 

Grimalkin Tarot,
(C)2020, MJ Cullinane

Reversed, the card would suggest I’m not as focused on the future as I ought to be; holding myself back from exploring new adventures. On the other hand, a reversed card can indicate an overindulgence of the message. In this case, I might be overly focused on the future to the point of not being in the present moment.

While it’s nice to have some eye on the future, focusing too much can create anxiety when things don’t turn out as expected.

So, which was it? It’s hard not to think of the future in the month of December. After all, we’re facing a new year and new hopes, dreams and aspirations. For the country, for the planet, for ourselves.

Maybe I had no hopes for all of the above. This has been a couple of unusual years with the pandemic and the political divisions in the US. Maybe the card was suggesting I should focus more on the moment than the future due to the current situations and not to hold out too much hope for any quick fixes. In other words, be more concerned with the short term rather than the long term. And maybe even the immediate term over the short term.

December is also a hard month for me and has been generally for the last several years. I tend to turn inward and keep more to myself than I had before. Maybe it’s due to the weather? The less light? Seasonal affective disorder? The holidays? All of the above?

Well, regardless, December is over and it’s time to move on.

And into my reading for 2022 with a new deck I treated myself to. This should be interesting.

My first card with this deck is Justice Reversed.

 

The Runic Tarot 
(C)2021 Jack Sephiroth et al, Lo Scarabeo

For more information on MJ Cullinane and her decks, please click here.

 

Swords and a Waterfall

Radiant RWS deck
(c)2003, US Games, Inc

November has given way to December and it's time to check in with my New Year Reading for 2021 which now seems so long ago. The reading, not 2021. My card for November was the 8 of Swords Reversed. 

The 8 of Swords in the traditional Rider-Waite-Smith tarot deck shows a blindfolded woman bound from her upper arms to her hips/thighs with what appears to be cloth. She is surrounded by eight swords in a quasi-semicircle. She is attempting to move past the swords but is struggling to do so. If the entire suit of Swords represents the domain of our thoughts and other mental activities-thinking, reasoning, seeking clarity and understanding, learning, and communication-then the individual swords represent individual thoughts, beliefs or ideas.

So, what is keeping her in place?

Her own thoughts. She can’t move forward because she’s caught in her own thoughts. She’s either overthinking a situation and can’t see her way clearly out of it or she’s stuck thinking self-defeating thoughts; “I will never figure this out”, “I’ll never master this subject”, etc. Or something along those lines.

Grimalkin Tarot,
(c)2020, MJ Cullinane

In The Grimalkin Tarot, by MJ Cullinane, we see a cat staring at a waterfall attempting to get past it. Or at least thinking of a plan to get beyond it. But the young feline is probably thinking, “I'm a cat, I’m not supposed to like water.” However, there appears to be a concentrated look on the cat’s face as if it’s determined to make it across.

Yet, the card is reversed in my reading. If we look back at the RWS card, turning it upside down would suggest that the swords could fall out. After all, they’re only stuck in by the points. Reversed, this card suggests one would be freeing themselves from paralyzing thoughts; moving past these self-defeating beliefs.

Going into November, I did feel very stuck, unable to free myself from what felt like a mental prison. I am tired of hearing people claim personal or religious liberties regarding various mandates. What about the greater good for all? We are in the middle of a global pandemic. We’ve had health related issues before, though none that have hit the US with such a deadly impact.

Except for one.

HIV/AIDS

Having lived through and survived that one, I’m tired of people complaining about their liberties when no one seemed to be concerned over the liberties of the mostly gay men who were initially being affected by that pandemic.

I could go on, but this is about my month.

I have also been feeling the need for some direction in my life since retirement. I’ve tried finding a part-time job, but that never panned out. I’ve considered volunteering, but unsure of where to volunteer. A pet shelter would be nice, but I’d want to rescue a cat or two. Or several. And my budget is already stretched nearly to breaking with the recent remodel. Being somewhat empathic, plus with the pandemic hanging over our shoulders, I avoid crowds in droves. Or try to, at least. So, volunteering with a large group of people is not in my cards. 

I thought of joining a couple of Meet-Ups but I lose interest after a while when the discussion topics no longer appeal to me. Or the host decides to close the group.

So, I hope this helps explain why I felt stuck at the beginning of November.

Yet, something began to shift.

While the events around me haven’t changed, the pandemic is still around with a new variant even. I’ve decided to let those who truly need a job apply for those jobs that are available (plus there’s the whole avoiding crowds issue, as well). I’ve also decided that if any new Meet-Ups do sound intriguing, I’ll explore them and just let what happens, happen. I’ll keep my eyes open for any volunteer options that won’t tug at my heart strings or budget and that may involve only a small group of people.

Yet, I know of at least a couple of swords I'll still need to work around.

The first one represents my opinion of those who don't take this pandemic seriously and see the mandates as an infringement on their rights to liberty and personal choice. But, what about my right not to be sickened by someone else? Do I not matter? What about the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" I guess that only applies when convenient.

Another sword I'll need to work through is the one about the current state of the US; the polarization over the politics, the racism, the rights of the marginalized, and women's rights to choose appropriate health care.

Being somewhat empathic, these two swords have left me with an overwhelming sense of negative energy which is weighing heavy on me and keeping me behind the waterfall. And therefore, not trusting others enough to socialize more.

So, it seems that some of the swords did appear to shift, letting me get past the waterfall. I'll have to really work on those other two.

Or, at least take steps towards them.

I wonder what the Three of Wands brings me in December. Though, in my reading it, too, was reversed.

Hmmm...

Grimalkin Tarot,
(c)2020, MJ Cullinane

For more information on MJ and all of her decks, please click here.

The Grimalkin

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

Well, October has given way to November and it's time to check in with my New Year's Reading and this post will be somewhat different than the rest.

One reason for the difference is the card itself.

For 2021, I used The Grimalkin Tarot by MJ Cullinane. And the card I pulled was the Grimalkin.

Now, this is not a card found in the traditional Rider Waite Smith deck. Ms. Cullinane felt inspired to create two additional cards for this deck and the Grimalkin is one of them.

But first, what exactly is a Grimalkin?

The Grimalkin, The Grimalkin Tarot
(C)2020, MJ Cullinane

According to Wikipedia, a grimalkin (also called a greymalkin) is an archaic term for a cat. It stems from "grey" (the color) plus "malkin", an archaic term with several meanings; a low class woman, a weakling, a mop, or a name deriving from a form of a pet name of the female name Maud. Scottish legend also references the grimalkin as a fairy cat that dwells in the highlands. Women tried as witches in the 16th, 17th and 18th centuries were often accused of having a familiar, frequently a grimalkin, thus associating cats with the devil and witchcraft.

Ms. Cullinane describes the energy of this card as that of healing, since many of the women who were tried as witches were actually midwives and well practiced in the herbal healing arts. She suggests that when the Grimalkin appears in a reading, it’s suggesting a need of healing, taking the time to go inward and learn to trust oneself, one’s intuition, as suggested by the bat, and one’s spirit. The snow in the card suggests finding a peaceful time to aid in some much needed introspection. The owl suggests magic and renewal while the fox suggests solitude to focus on problem solving.

I did find October to be a difficult month. And, yes, I probably should have called on the Grimalkin more frequently, spending more time nurturing myself and trusting my inner voice.

I had finished the remodel which then freed up my mind to continue its wandering as I had nothing more to occupy my attention and a great deal of my time. I was still haunted by the ghosts of past conversations from months ago I feel I should have had even if I knew at that time they'd wouldn't change a thing. I fell into a spiral of downward thinking, not knowing who or what to believe or even what I wanted any longer.

I also began to lack basic motivation, yet finished all my projects I had, even those not associated with the remodel. I stuck to my morning routine and walking regimen but felt myself falling off my pace but still kept pushing myself to achieve the goals I'd set.

In addition to the downward spiral of thought, it seems I also fell into a rut doing the same things every day.

Well, October is finally over and they say the only way from here is up.

November brings the 8 of Swords, but reversed. Hmmmmm

The 8 of Swords, The Grimalkin Tarot
(C)2020, MJ Cullinane

For more information on MJ Cullinane and her various decks, please click here.

A Stranger's Fear

I had a strange, unsettling experience the other day.

It was payday and I needed to buy groceries.

As I approached the door to one of the stores I frequent, I encountered an elderly woman also entering. I stepped to the side and gestured to let her enter first. She smiled and thanked me.

She was wearing something similar,
just not so elegant.

She had short curly salt and pepper hair with a tad more salt than pepper. She was short and leaning on a cart for support. Her facial features and clothing had a foreign appearance which reminded me of other south Asian women I’ve seen. As we meandered through the store each doing our own shopping, our paths criss-crossed a couple of times. 

Our next-to-last encounter is what prompted this post.

I was looking for something in the dairy section. I had my cart close to me and the cooler because to my right was a stocking cart for the dairy section making the aisle somewhat narrow. I felt a tap of something on my hip and turned around to find the woman looking at me with sheer fear in her eyes. “I’m so sorry!” she said. “It was an accident! I didn’t mean to!” She had bumped me with her cart.

The terror in her eyes and her face told me a lot more. She was terrified of my potential reaction.

These days, with people so prone to overreacting, I understood where she might be coming from, especially if she were an immigrant, as I suspected, as well as being a senior citizen as seniors are seen as being vulnerable. Especially senior women.

My empathy took over. It was merely a tap in a crowded grocery aisle. I wasn’t in pain. I didn’t fall. I did what I could to alleviate her fears, telling her that everything was okay. I wasn’t angry, hurt or anything. It wasn’t her fault. I even gently placed my hand on her shoulder in (hopefully) a reassuring and respectful way. Then I wished her a nice day and moved on.

Our paths crossed one final time at the check out. I hoped to catch her eye to smile once more, hopefully to continue to reassure her, but wasn’t able to. 

I think I was more upset that she perceived she might be accused of something, that I might blow this out of proportion. Yet, she drew on her background and the past experiences she carries with her and spontaneously reacted. I can’t fault her for that. It also bothers me that whatever she's experienced in the past drove her to react as she did. Also, she didn’t know me and how I might perceive this incident even after our prior meeting at the front door. After all, people can be so litigious.

I hope her day was a good one after that.

I’ll work on letting my own emotions settle.

But, like these waves, it may take some time.

Catalina Island, Pacific Side
Photo courtesy Jeffrey Ballam