Too Gay or Not Gay Enough?

I don’t keep it a secret that I am gay.

I also don’t run around shoving my gayness in other people’s faces.

I also don’t keep it a secret that I don’t identify with many of the values I see in the gay male community.

So, does that make me gay? Or not? 

Or am I a self-loathing homosexual?

I recently stumbled across a gay twitterstorm regarding a version of this meme:

The comments that followed were unbelievable. The vast majority of them called the user a self-loathing homosexual because his tweet suggested that men who appear to force their gayness upon others were not deserving of his respect.

While a few comments seemed to support the original tweeter, there were a few. Very few.

Full disclosure: I did not respond to any of the tweets and yes, I was a bit put off by the meme itself finding it to be judgmental. But, it was the comments of "self-loathing" aimed at the original user that also bothered me.

One response that resonated with me simply re-posted the meme with the words “DO NOT” crossed out and replaced with the word “ALSO.”

I was recently re-watching an episode of Grace and Frankie, a Netflix original program revolving around two women, Grace and Frankie, who find themselves thrown together when their husbands, Robert and Sol respectively, come out of the closet and announce their love for each other and that they’d been in an ongoing, yet secret, relationship for nearly twenty years. In this episode, Robert and Sol were planning their wedding and had asked another gay couple to prepare some appetizers for a tasting. During the episode, it was revealed that twelve years prior Robert had slept with one of the other men during a period of time when both Robert and Sol were still married to their wives, but had broken up in their own relationship. The conflict became centered on, not if but when Robert should have told Sol about the indiscretion; right after it happened while they weren’t actually speaking to each other or soon after getting back together? And for dramatic effect as well, the reveal happened while the other man and his partner were in Robert and Sol’s kitchen preparing their appetizers. Needless to say, the overdramatic, yet tenderhearted Sol reacted very angrily not just because he was never told about it in the first place, but also because up until that moment, they had only kissed or slept with each other. There had been no other men in their lives before they fell in love. They believed in monogamy. 

Yet, my problem with the whole situation was not with Robert and Sol, but with the other couple, Peter and Jeff. As Sol was throwing them out of their house, Jeff, the other man in question, commented “It was just one night and we weren’t even compatible” totally downplaying Sol's emotions and suggesting infidelity is no big deal. After Sol comments that it’s not the compatibility he’s concerned about, the following dialogue ensues:

Peter, nonchalantly: “My God, what’s the point of being gay?”
Sol, sarcastic: “I didn’t know there was a point.”
Jeff, lighthearted: “I mean if we can’t shed some of the conventions of hetero life, where's the fun?”
Sol, pointedly: “I’m not gay to shed conventions; I’m gay because I love this man. The one you just said you didn’t care too much about sleeping with.”

What turned me off to Peter and Jeff was their apparent judgment of Sol for being so hurt and not, in their opinion, accepting of the lifestyle they chose to live or living it himself. This was also apparent by the side glances and side-eye they gave each other during the conversation.

I was very moved by Sol’s last line, “I’m not gay (in order) to shed conventions. I’m gay because I love this man.” Parentheses added for emphasis.

Isn’t that what being gay is, being able to love someone of your same gender? And not just hook up? I believe we are gay for who we love, who we are attracted to. We don't have to live the same lifestyle as one another for familiarity breeds contempt. If we all live our lives in the same way, then don't we become familiar with everyone else because we all have similar values and/or social mores?

In a community that espouses diversity and inclusion, I feel we fall somewhat short. We are all on our personal journey to our own self-awareness.

Does it matter if someone wears rainbow everything? That is where they are, not you.

Does it matter if someone focuses their life around hooking up? That is their path. Just hope they are playing safely.

Does it matter if someone prefers an open relationship? You don’t have to.

Does it matter if someone dresses like a "clown" to prove their gayness? It doesn’t mean you have to. And isn’t that being a bit judgmental by applying the word ‘clown’ to someone’s choice of clothing?

I may be wrong, but doesn’t it seem a bit judgmental to be putting someone down for being different? Or for not living up to your standards? Weren't we all judged and bullied for being different? Isn’t that what we say to those who judge us for simply being who we are-judge not, lest ye be judged? Yes, we love differently, so what? Then, isn’t it somewhat hypocritical to judge someone for being different within a community that allegedly celebrates its own differences and diversity?

So, some of us are promiscuous rainbow-wearing gay men who prefer open relationships and random hookups. And some of us aren’t. Most of us fall somewhere in between. And that’s okay.

And, gasp! Some of us might even fall somewhere along the asexual/aromantic spectrum. And that’s okay, too.

And just because they aren’t where you are, doesn’t mean they loathe themselves.

They just have a different understanding of who they are.

Which is perfectly okay.

Or have to act like?

July's Challenges

The card I drew for July for my New Year Spread way back in January was the Seven of Rods, also known as the Seven of Wands in the traditional Rider-Waite-Smith deck.

7 of Wands
New Palladini Tarot

We see a figure wearing a plumed helmet with protective neck gear so we can assume he might be preparing for or is already engaged in a battle of some kind. He stands behind a rock and is holding a large rod in a somewhat defensive pose. Perhaps he is guarding or protecting something of value. Six other rods appear in the foreground. We don’t know if they are a first line of defense or are actually trying to take what the man in the image is protecting. Regardless, he is being defensive in case of a challenge. 

When I first saw this card for July, I was apprehensive. What would I be challenged about? And by whom? Why would I need to be defensive? What possible stance would I have to take?

I kept waiting all month for the shoe to drop. 

It never did.

Yet, as I reflect here, the last few weeks have been challenging energy-wise.

There was a solar eclipse visible only in the Southern Hemisphere, a lunar eclipse as well and Mercury went retrograde in Cancer, the sign of emotions.

Astrologically speaking, eclipses can bring things into the open or up from the depths. As eclipses are a change from the regular pattern, they want us to break out of our regularity and shake things up a bit. Eclipses occur while the sun is in an astrological sign which adds that element to the energy, so a lunar eclipse in Sagittarius will be different than a lunar eclipse in Taurus. Likewise, solar eclipses always occur during a full moon, while lunar ones occur on the new moon. This solar eclipse was in emotional Cancer suggesting a further opening up of emotions often held buried and the Lunar eclipse was in the hardworking sign of Capricorn, bringing to light some changes in work habits or attitudes towards work and success.

A planet goes retrograde when, during its orbit, it appears to be going backwards as Earth swings by it in its own orbit. As Mercury is the planet of communication-he was the messenger of the gods, after all-communication can also be going backward leading to possible miscommunication and misunderstanding. A retrograde can also serve as a way to revisit parts of our personality, path or other area we might need to work on. Or work on again.

I definitely felt some old anxieties come back up which I thought I had let go, but obviously hadn’t. Plus, I had definitely noticed a change in communication in a few friends so, I was just careful not to misinterpret what I thought I heard them say. And I also generally felt edgy for most of the month.

I also reverted back to some old sleeping patterns where I wake up after a few hours’ sleep and then try to get back to sleep. I usually do, but am groggy the rest of the day.

On a plus side, I did finally finish a story I had been working on for about a year. Now I just have to type it out, revise and edit it, then figure out what I will do with it. 

Maybe the message from the Seven of Rods was just that the month itself was going to be challenging and I needed to be on the defensive because of the Mercury retrograde.

Regardless, the month is over and I move on to August and a reversed Knight of Cups. Now that could something to be apprehensive about.

Knight of Cups
New Palladini Tarot

Friendly? Reminders

Lately, it seems a few people have popped back into my life after being MIA for a while. That happens. Life takes us in different paths so we may outgrow relationships. Sometimes those paths cross back again.

I, too, have often wondered what happened to someone who was once a part of my life. But, I usually let those thoughts go as sometimes there are old wounds that have healed and my intuition tells me it’s best not to pick at that scab. The scars left behind are reminders enough.

Still, it was nice catching up with them and seeing what they’ve been up to.

Yet, it wasn’t so pleasant finding out about some other members of that circle who had also drifted away over the years.

Apparently, two members of this one little circle have crossed over to a different plane of existence just within the last year. It still came as a surprise but, in reality, wasn’t unexpected. At least for one of them.

I filed this all away in the back of my head. After all, I hadn’t seen one of them for about 8 years and hadn’t been in touch with the other for about 6.

And I went about my days. 

Recently, I had a sudden urge to find two particular photographs my grandfather had taken of me as an infant. Whenever we were together, he would take pictures of me and then file them away in an album. Being a photographer with his own developer and dark room, he’d make multiple copies in various sizes and then send copies to my mother and she would file them away in her own album. He also had done this for each of his grandchildren.  When he passed and my grandmother moved into a smaller residence, my aunt and her family had the laborious task of cleaning out my grandparents’ house. She sent me the album my grandfather had made of me. At one point, my mother began downsizing her own house so, I now have two of them and therefore lots of duplicate and triplicate photos.

It was interesting to see my life through his lens.

Neither picture that I was looking for was in either book. Yet, I know they exist. And I will find them if I’m meant to have them.

While I was searching through these books, and all the other photographs I have stored in a big box, I came across an envelope with some forgotten snapshots from the time we committed my first partner’s ashes to the sea. 

And in that particular envelope were pictures with the two friends who had recently passed on. Plus a third who had passed on years before. 

Hearing that they had passed was one thing. Now seeing them in these pictures with all of us together at that particular event was another and it hit me a bit harder.

Realizing these most recent two were close to my age at the times of their passing was also a bit of a shock.

It became a reminder of my own mortality. 

It was also a reminder that I’m at that age where this will become more common.

I remember first getting the alumni magazine from my college and reading about classmates who got married. Time went on and then I was reading about their children and subsequent grandchildren. Occasionally, there would be the tragic accident or rare passing due to disease taking someone way too young. Now, it seems it may be the obituaries I’ll scan. Or not. It feels morbid even if it’s part of life. Who’s still here and who isn’t?

And regardless, time and life will march on seemingly oblivious to us all.

Or, maybe time and life are not as oblivious and this is a necessary phase of life.

As uncomfortable as it may be.

(Yes, I know I should digitally store the photos and one day I will get around to it, but there are probably thousands of pictures of all types to sort through and decide which ones are worth keeping.)

Nine Cups for June

The traditional
Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot

With all the Pentacle excitement the two previous months, the 10 for April and the King in May-all suggesting happiness, abundance, generosity, and possible income-the 9 of Cups for June was also suggesting a continuance of good feeling. Some traditional associations for the card are contentment, satisfaction and feeling fulfilled.

Traditional depictions of this card show a smiling nobleman sitting in front of a table laden with nine golden cups or chalices. Other depictions show a feast in addition to the cups. So, we can see the idea of contentment and satisfaction. Some other readers also believe this is the “wishes fulfilled” card as the gentleman seems very content in this scene and Cups is the suit of the heart, after all. 

New Palladini Tarot

While I can’t recall any particular wishes coming true as I didn’t wish for anything specific and there were a few difficult moments in June (there are always a couple, regardless of the month and card), overall it was a pretty peaceful month as far as I can remember. I really should journal a bit better for these recollection posts.

Yet, perhaps the idea here was to be content with what I have and not appear to be greedy. I mean, with the 10 and King of Pentacles back to back, it would be hard not to anticipate/wish/hope for more. Maybe my outlook for the month (and hereafter) should be "I have what I need, and need what I have." Gratitude is indeed a virtue and I am grateful for my many blessings.

Yet, the Wheel of Fortune keeps turning and all good things wind down. The next few cards, and therefore months, seem to suggest a slightly different turn. The 7 of Wands-defensive posturing, fending off challenges, maintaining one’s success-is the card for July.

Sounds intriguing, if not just a bit ominous, like the lull before the storm. 

Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot

And with the first few days of the month under way, it's going to be a doozy of a month...

Triggers

A recent conversation triggered some deep-seated emotions I thought I had overcome. 

Well, surprise!

They showed up again.

So, now I’m trying a new approach to some of these older, oft-recurring, emotions. 

Gentle confrontation.

I believe we get triggered for a reason. 

Apparently I had just buried these feelings rather than dealing with and releasing them completely in spite of the countless hours and dollars I've spent in therapy. And still am. 

Yet, I’m glad they came up. 

Growing up in a broken and dysfunctional family while moving frequently, I developed abandonment issues. They were so deep that before coming out, I swore I’d never get divorced. I would stay married for the sake of any children. This attitude was also influenced by my being a practicing Christian; Christians don't get divorced. Or, so I was indoctrinated. To be perfectly honest, I'm surprised I even wanted to pursue a relationship, let alone have a family. Even after coming out and dealing with my Christianity, I was determined to stay with my future partner till death parted us.

When my first serious relationship with a man stopped working, I still couldn’t leave him and even when he was diagnosed with HIV and told me he wanted me to go live my life, I still couldn’t. (There were other underlying issues for me there, as well.) In my second relationship, I saw some red flags early on and thought we could work on them. We didn’t. We eventually were legally married. Years later, when I fell into a deep depression, I didn’t suspect the relationship was the cause, but rather, my stagnant life. It wasn’t until after everything was finalized that I realized the relationship itself had been a big factor in my depression. Still, he was the one who left.

 

After that point in my life I believed I had come to accept that when people left me, it had more to do with them, than with me. I still believe that.

Yet, even so, I was triggered the other day.

The old childhood feelings came back and I projected them onto others. 

I'd recalled leaving messages for people who took years to return them, if they did return them at all. And the hurt came flooding back.

A close social media friend suddenly disappeared without a trace. I sent an email and received a two word reply. Subsequent emails went unanswered. Ok, so he wants to be left alone, he’s dealing with some issues. Got it. But it still hurt. 

Another friend got a bit busier than he recently had been and wasn’t replying to messages as quickly as before. With all this happening so suspiciously after the conversation, I stopped to ask, “Why? What am I supposed to learn here?” After all, I believe things happen for a reason, if only to move us in a newer and better direction or to learn a lesson. Or both.

The first lesson I felt I needed to learn was that everything isn’t what it seems. While I still haven’t heard from the one who disappeared, the busier friend is just that. Busier than usual.

The second lesson I learned was that I still need to work on overcoming these abandonment issues.

The third lesson is to stop reacting to everything. If everything isn't what it seems, does it merit a reaction? Maybe yes, maybe no. Reacting can lead to overthinking which can lead to overreacting which can lead to over-overthinking and, voilà, a vicious cycle has been born.

And that’s where gentle confrontation comes in. 

I sit with the emotion. I allow it to be present. I don’t allow it to overtake me. Okay, I try not to let it overtake me. I ask it, “What triggered you? Why are you here?" The reply, which of course is coming from deep within, tells me what I need to work on in order to calm the subsequent anxiety connecting itself to the initial reaction.

I know, easier said than done. 

But, hey, I’m trying. 

Pride 2019

It’s June.

LGBT+ Pride Month.

The full acronym is getting a bit long; so, I’ll just leave it as LGBT+, yet I hope I don’t offend anyone by leaving out their representative letter(s).

It’s like the world sprung rainbow everything on June 1. 

And that leads me to this very touchy post. 

I haven’t been to an actual Pride celebration for a few years. It’s not that I’m not proud to be gay. I’m proud to be me with everything that entails. I believe visibility is necessary and has had a positive impact for the younger generations. While Pride celebrations aren’t for everyone for a variety of reasons, there are a few reasons I don’t go, and I’ve blogged in detail about those reasons in past posts. But, here is a short reminder: the over-sexualization, the hypermasculinization, unwanted advances and the large crowd in small, cramped places can lead to extreme sensory overload.

But, what I really wanted to share was about celebrating Pride in the other gay neighborhoods; the shopping malls.

I went for a walk the other day in my local mall as it was too hot to walk in my favorite parks.  One of the first stores near the entrance had a nice window display with a glitter rainbow heart. Very sweet. I was touched. I felt seen. When I first came out, we didn’t even have an LGBT+ Pride month, the acronym consisted of only two letters, the parades were more political than festive, and the rainbow was just beginning to be widely used as an LGBT+ Pride symbol. I am from the Lambda/Pink Triangle generation. Seeing all this on display in a mall shows some progress. 

A few doors down, another store had a window display showing various tee-shirts with LGBT+ affirming slogans, while a store farther along the way had other rainbow themed clothing. In fact, about 5 of the 170 stores had a Pride display and/or merchandise. (As it was nearing 100°F, I stayed inside and didn’t check the outside shops.) 

While I applaud these stores who do honor Pride, I also wonder what their motivation is. I can hope they affirm their employees wherever they fall along the entire LGBT+ spectrum. It’s also not hard to see commercialization as a powerful reason to “celebrate” Pride, especially when all I could find in one store in their pride merchandise was a rainbow decorated tube of hand lotion. 

FULL DISCLOSURE: I did not enter each store to thoroughly search their merchandise, but drew my possibly erroneous conclusions based only what was visible in the front displays. 

Yet, I wonder how promoting a rainbow decorated tube of hand lotion promotes LGBT+ Pride. And from a candle store yet. I can understand how wearing a tee-shirt or rainbow colored spandex bicycle shorts would increase one’s visibility, but hand lotion? It can’t be the scent? What would Pride smell like? The aroma of the marchers after the miles-long parade in the hot sun? The fragrance of the beer spilled all over the various dance floors? Or would it just be lavender scented? And how would a non-LGBT+ person tell it was Pride lotion? Does it turn rainbow colored when applied? Does it contain glitter?

Again, I am truly grateful to these stores for celebrating LGBT+ Pride month, and I feel honored and respected that they do, but I must ask this one other burning question? Do they also honor the other Pride and History months as well? African-American History in February? Women’s History in March? Asian-American History in May? Hispanic Heritage in September/October? Disability Awareness in October? Native American History during November? I see plenty more opportunities for commercialization here as well. 

Yes, my cynicism shows. I own that. I do feel honored these companies want to do something, as have many companies in the past. A few years ago, Nabisco revealed a print ad for Pride month featuring a six layered Oreo cookie, one layer of each color of the rainbow flag and the slogan “June 25 | PRIDE." They drew flack for it. A couple of years later, Burger King unveiled a Pride Whopper. No, the meat wasn’t multicolored, the wrapper was. It featured the then-six colors of the rainbow flag with one word written on each of the colored stripes: We. Are. All. The. Same. Inside. They, too, took flack. 

Other companies have had television or print ads featuring same-sex couples; Campbell’s Soups, Calvin Klein Jeans and IKEA, to name a few. And yes, they all took heat and threats of boycotts. But, none backed down. But, to be honest, I also don't recall seeing similar ads in subsequent years. 

Yes, support matters. It also matters in larger circumstances than just during Pride month. The former Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, suggested what one shareholder could do with his shares when the shareholder expressed his belief that the company’s decision to support same-sex marriage would hurt his returns. It’s not clear whether the shareholder followed through with Schultz' suggestion that he was free to sell his shares if he felt he was in danger of losing money. Schultz went on to say some corporate decisions are not solely based on economics. (Source in link below.)

Let’s hope the other companies are putting our money where their mouth is and speaking up for all of us. Because everyone I mentioned above can also fall along the LGBTQQIAP spectrum.

Now, I need my Venti, extra hot, almond milk, no-foam caffe mocha. 

To read an account of Schultz' response to the shareholder, click here.


To view a Wikipedia article on various LGBT+ symbols, click here.

Pentacles and a King

It’s that time again. A new month means checking in on my New Year reading and the card for May is the King of Pentacles.

As I explained last month, Pentacles is the suit of our material plane, including abundance, prosperity, and what we associate with gaining those ideas. I also connect work, career, and labor here. 

The king is a member of a subgroup referred to as the Court cards. This can be a tricky group to read as they can refer to actual people or personalities, or an aspect of the person asking for the reading. In general, the kings represent a mature man who has some life experience under his belt and expresses his suit’s energy in an outwardly fashion by actively participating, by being more direct as well as more rational than the more emotional and nurturing queens.

By combining the energies of Pentacles with the personality of a king we get someone who is comfortable with his material surroundings yet not in a materialistic way. He is a wise and savvy businessman as well as a good provider, not only for his family, but for his subjects as well. He can also be generous with his possessions. He seeks to make others comfortable as he knows prosperity and abundance is one way to be comfortable in life. Contrasting this attitude is that of his wife, the Queen of Pentacles, who maintains a comfortable, relaxing home and feels happiest when her guests are content, comfortable and at ease. She comes from her heart, but but focuses on the material. She is the ultimate hostess. 

Anyway, back to the king and me.

When I saw that he followed April's Ten of Pentacles, I thought with the two Pentacles back to back, I might be in a much better place financially and that it would continue into May. Such was the case until I used my better-than-last-year’s tax return. But, it was another aspect of the King that seemed to manifest this month.

I’ve been going through things that I have not touched, or even seen in the last six months. Some have even been hidden away for years. I decided it was time to let that stuff go.

So, I did. 

Two trips to the thrift store and one to an animal shelter later, I have a lot less clutter and a lot more space. I have a few things left I might try to sell and was tracking similar items on eBay but they weren’t selling and were being listed again and again. I don’t know that I have the time and patience for that. I will trust that I’ll know what to do with them in the near future. 

So, by donating some items to thrift shops, I took on the generous nature of the King of Pentacles this month.

I wonder what the Nine of Cups will bring in June?