Enough!

I have come to believe that everything I've gone through has led me to where I am. 

For example, I have a beautiful home and a comfortable life thanks to circumstances from my past.

I also believe that the emotional experiences I've had, both positive and negative, have also shaped me into who I am.

But now at this stage in my life, I ask myself, "Who am I?"

In order to survive some of the emotional pain from my past, I did what I felt I had to do.

I was taught men hide their emotions, yet I am highly sensitive to others' suffering. I often found myself at odds with those teachings. When I saw someone suffering and I got upset, I was told to “Man up, be strong.” So, I became indifferent. Superficially, at least. I was a man, I couldn’t feel. 

I grew up in a very racially prejudiced and misogynistic household. I was told what to think about other ethnic groups and women. But, deep down I knew those thoughts were wrong. But, I also knew expressing myself in that household was not the best thing to do. Fortunately, my mother shared the same views I did, so that was some solace. But, not enough. I knew certain words were wrong to say, yet I heard them in my house. I questioned the path history had taken and wondered why God had allowed it to be so. I was told to be quiet and don’t ask questions. It was all His will. I learned not to express myself or to question authority.

I later found some peace in the evangelical church, yet I still felt empty. I tried hard to live the teachings of the church, but had too many questions about those teachings and saw too many holes in the historical timeline. I was told not to look at it all "logically.” I was told to “Have faith” and “Only God knows.” So, I simply followed along. I was a Christian, I had to have faith. 

As I came out as gay, I became aware of the homophobia I had developed due to the church's and society's teachings and my family's belief in it as well. I later found a group for evangelical Christians who were struggling with sexual identity and orientation. The group helped for a bit, yet some of my earlier beliefs still seemed to clash with my new gay identity. On one hand, I had strong romantic notions and believed sex was something unique and special, not something to be entered into lightly while the gay community (and by extension, society at large) seemed to revel in a new sexual freedom. And the more freedom I gave myself to explore, the more I lost myself in the process. I did what I thought I had to in order to be accepted, and to try and accept myself. I was gay, this was what I was supposed to do.

As I got more in touch with my identity and reconciled my sexuality and Christianity, I found my beliefs around Christianity and its teachings evolving into something very different. And quite personal.

I've already described my awakening to Shamanism and its spiritual teachings and now I find myself turning inward even more and wondering even more deeply about who I am because the more inward I turn, I have found I have worn many masks through the years. 

It's time they come off. I’m taking off the Masks of Indifference, of Being Quiet, of The Flock, and of False Acceptance.

About a year ago, I discovered a project called "My Intent" where a word or phrase is stamped on a washer and turned into a bracelet, necklace or other charm. This word or phrase is what you intend to work on with the idea to wear the bracelet until the string breaks indicating you have mastered that particular intent. 

I have two bracelets. One has the word "SURRENDER" reminding me to surrender to the what is and not worry about the what was or the what will be. In other words, stay in the moment, in the now.

The other has the phrase "I'M ENOUGH" meaning that I don't have to be or do anything that isn't true to me to gain anyone else's approval. If someone can't accept me for who I am, that is their problem.

This last intent has become the hardest to work on. As a child of divorce, I have sought outside validation. I wanted others to like me or to approve of me. And if they did, then maybe I would, too.

As I move forward in my life, I am finding that the more I discover my core values and my true authentic self, I find I don't fit in the world at large. And I have to learn and accept that that is okay. 

And maybe I don't need to fit in. 

I AM ENOUGH just as I am.

No one has to like me, or what I do, say or believe.

And if they don’t, that’s their problem. Not mine.

Now, if I could only learn not to take it personally.

For information on the My Intent project, click here.

My favorite number (and showstopper) form the Broadway musical "La Cage Aux Folles." I felt it was appropriate for this post. Enjoy!