Monday, November 3, 2014

Sometimes I wonder...

...if my problem isn't something else entirely.

I've discussed my low self-esteem stemming from an emotionally abusive childhood.

I've discussed my fears;
  • Of being used,
  • Of being hurt,
  • Of being rejected,
  • Of being lied to,
  • Of not being seen for who I truly am.
I've discussed my lack of interest in dating because of all of the above and the lack of money, time, motivation and energy.

I've also discussed the fact I don't know how to date. 

But, what if it's something even more?

I expected to spend the rest of my life with my ex. Well, I mean before he became my ex. Now that he's gone, I'm free to find someone else to spend my life with.
  • Someone who is closer to what I need.
  • Someone who is closer to what I want.
  • Someone who is closer affectionately to me. 
  • Also, closer in values, ideals, age, and maturity. 
Or, am I?

I go through moments where I try and imagine myself with someone else. Someone more agreeable, someone more my type (whatever that is), someone more communicative, someone I'm more comfortable with, someone who can take care of me, and someone I'll allow to do just that.
I often imagine:
  • Someone sitting with me at the dining table;
  • Someone sitting in the next room while I am writing, reading or grading papers in another;
  • Someone listening to me share plot ideas;
  • Someone sitting next to me in my car as we go out on a day trip; 
  • Someone lying next to me in bed, just looking at each other;
And then I can't. I can't imagine myself with anyone new and different. Because I had vowed to spend my life with him, I never anticipated being without him. So, I'm finding it difficult imagining myself with someone else. It all feels so wrong, somehow, even if I have maybe, sort of, possibly dated a couple of guys which seemed right at the time.
I see couples of all types; male/female, male/male, female/female. And I'm truly happy for them, but it feels so wrong for me. I just don't want to be a part of it.

I'm definitely not still in love with my ex. After I tell people our story and describe what's passed between us since the divorce, they always tell me I'll hear from him one day. He'll realize what he's done. He'll contact me. And I always reply with "I hope he doesn't."

I'm not sure I want to see him again. I don't know what I'd say, what I'd do, how I'd feel. About the contact, not about him. 

It's probably inevitable. I owe him money from our house should I sell it within a certain frame.

It's also inevitable because that's how life is. It would give me an opportunity to check in with myself at that point. 

But, that's all in the future. No need to worry about that now, as it takes my energy away from today, from the now. 

And that's all I need to worry about, focus on: the here, the now.

The me.