I've been feeling different lately. Very positive, upbeat. I'm taking more risks. I went to a writers' group and actually shared a piece of a work in progress that's been tormenting me for years. I signed up for a dating workshop for gay men. I ended up cancelling because I came home exhausted from a long day of teaching with a stiff neck I woke up with that morning and was now beginning to give me a headache. I shared this with one of my counselors who also noted my overall energy level was very positive and upbeat, though our session was before I didn't make it to the dating workshop. We both wondered where this change came from.
Oh, and Cher's new CD was due out this upcoming week! That's always exciting, for me anyway.
It's very sad to see or hear of someone once close to you making choices in life that conflict with your original image of them. When that happens to someone in my life, I begin to wonder if I really knew that person. When relationships end, often there is a newfound freedom of singleness, or of "Now I can do whatever I want that I wasn't allowed to do before."
I have heard through mutual friends, a certain someone once close to me is leading a very different lifestyle than what I ever imagined he would.
Through the last few years, I have learned we are all responsible for our own choices, and this person is now responsible for himself. I need to let that just be.
If this is what he wants, I hope he finds it.
And when I said that, I knew. That's where the change in me had come from. I'd let go of some of the past. There will always be some difficult and awkward moments between us, but if I was now feeling empathy for him and actually wishing he finds whatever it is he's looking for, I've grown. I've moved forward.
I also realized someone else once very important to me had a birthday and I was filled with an overwhelming desire to wish him a happy birthday. This realization and desire came to me out of the blue, as I didn't feel this way last year. I debated contacting him, as I didn't want to stir up old memories or hurts, for me or for him. (This is my curse of being so empathic.) But, as I am learning to trust my instincts, I followed through. As of today, I have not heard back, and I don't know if I will. And I don't know what I will say if I do hear back. I'll trust in the moment. I don't know where he is in his life now, and whatever he's looking for I hope he finds it.
I think the fact I took that step and wished him a happy birthday also tells me I've moved on.
This sentiment was cemented as I played Cher's new CD, Closer to the Truth and was struck by the chorus in the song, I Hope You Find It,originally recorded by Miley Cyrus:
And I hope you find it
What you're looking for....
And I hope you're happy,
Wherever you are...
And I mean it.